Waiting and conversating

       On Wednesday, we were suppose to be able to go pick up Kaitlyn from the funeral home. I was dreading that day since the memorial service, but circumstances changed and Kenney hadn't been able to get all the paperwork (death certificate) finished by Wednesday. She told us that Kaitlyn would tentatively be ready on Friday.
 
       So on Wednesday, we waited. Our good friend Chad had the day off, and since Chad and Jenny were on the schedule for dinner that night, Chad took off that day and basically came and hung out with us the whole day. Alex and I were both glad for the distraction, because Chad and Jenny are always good for laughs.

       Chad and Alex decided they wanted to go hit balls at Top Golf, a driving range down the street from us. I wanted to get out of the house and be outside, so naturally I loaded up my computer and went with them. It was really nice to be able to sit outside, and I just started writing about everything that had happened the past week. It amazed me how much it felt like everything had just happened, and yet we were a week out from holding Kaitlyn.

       Jenny and Chad had come to our house nearly every day since Kaitlyn had passed. Jenny had held my hand when I cried, and sweet Chad was there for Alex in the way that guys are. I told Jenny once that I really appreciated her and Chad being there and talking with us, and Jenny just responded that a lot of the time she doesn't know what to say. I told her it doesn't matter what she says, but just being there helps a lot. I like talking about nothing because it reminds me that the world is still moving, even though sometimes it still feels like I am stuck in a time warp and I keep reliving the 18th. Being reminded of the nothings helps us get back to our new normal, and helps use from getting stuck.

      I had a few friends that had reached out to me about their losses with pregnancy, and I have to confess that sometimes it really upset me. I would hear about people losing their babies at 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks, and I really had to guard myself about not getting angry. Most of the time I would just start crying and of course Alex would come and hug on me and tell me that people were only trying to help me feel not alone. But honestly, I wasn't just finding out I was pregnant. I wasn't about to have a baby shower. I had felt Kaitlyn move, have the hiccups, rub her head under my ribcage, and all the things that moms do when they still have their baby inside. I had already been through the morning sickness, exhaustion, hormone swings, everything. We were driving to the hospital to come home with our child in the carseat in the back. That's been the phrase that I use to talk about it, "we had the carseat in the back." Our full expectation that morning was to hear our girl cry, get to change diapers (yes, I said GET to, not have to), start feeding, and be able to see her cute little face finally.

     A year ago, I was really involved with a Bible study at my church and I met a girl named Kristen. Kristen had a friend named Allison who had lost her baby boy at 37 weeks old, and Allison had emailed me the week after we lost Kaitlyn. Allison said it best in that "a loss is HUGE, but I felt alone in finding someone who was closer to my [our] situation." Allison also completely read my mind in saying this:

Praying for the little things for you right now...like the awkwardness of when people ask you how many kids you have. Or that your body quickly recuperates so it can get ready to try again, when your soul is ready! Praying that people are not insensitive or make insensitive remarks ( well, at least she is in a better place-ugh, that one always ticked me off) and if they do you are able to handle with grace...or how you just randomly might have a break down and know that is OK. These next few weeks/months will be a real roller coaster. You will think you are handling it very well and then you get the air knocked out of you. So, you pick yourself up, dust off, and keep fighting. 

      Let's all just take a minute and realize that this is a complete stranger writing this to me. This is a lady who I have never met, and all we have in common is a faith in Christ and one single person that I met a year before this happened. She was the first person to contact me having gone through my situation, but we would soon find ourselves surrounded by others who would share their stories and comfort us in some ways that others can't.