I was allowed to hold Kaitlyn as we wheeled our way down to post op (aka recovery). They put us in a room at the very end of the hallway, away from all the new moms who had had happy deliveries. The nurses also blocked off a second room next to ours for people that may come in to have a moment.
When we got to the room, my parents and two of my dear friends from church, Becky and Charlie, were waiting for us. My parents came over to cry over Kaitlyn first, and then Becky and Charlie came over to see her. It was so good to feel that people cared about our loss, and that Becky and Charlie had dropped what they were doing to come be with us. Alex and I cried continually for the next couple of hours over the sweet body of our beautiful baby girl.
One of the first things that happened is that Gail came in and asked us about a non-profit group called "Now I lay me down to sleep" that had photographers on call in the area to come do pictures for people in our situation. I can honestly say that this was by far the best decision that Alex and I made that day, to allow this photographer to come into our room and take pictures of our beautiful baby girl. They are now some of the dearest pictures to me, and I am so glad that we had enough sense in our heads to let someone come in and do this for us.
Here are a couple of pictures from that day:
I told you she had an amazing amount of hair.
I am completely astonished that we were able to muster this one out, but I'm sure glad we did.
My absolutely beautiful yet somewhat photoshopped baby girl.
At this point, Alex's brother and sister-in-law had arrived, and so had our good friends Chad and Jenny. Jenny had hung up the phone so fast when Alex called her that he almost didn't get to tell her where to go. I can't believe how amazingly blessed we were to be surrounded by so many people who love us and our baby.
This next part is a bit graphic, so for those of you who are not medical or who have queasy stomachs, consider this your warning.
When the pediatrician told us that Kaitlyn had been gone a few days, I didn't really understand how she could know that or what that meant. My sweet baby girl had been sitting in her own amniotic fluid for so long that her skin had started to deteriorate pretty badly. You can see in the middle picture of the three of us that it looks like there are some spots on her eyes, but that was actually where her skin had peeled back and just her muscle was showing. This had also happened on her sweet arms and legs, and I am pretty sure it was severe over her body, but I never saw her stomach area. I chose to keep that covered, and I'm glad that I did. It hurt me so badly to think that I had allowed such harm to come to my daughter, but I am thankful for the photographer's photoshopping skills that lets me remember her whole instead of breaking down. I have taken some comfort in that God saved my baby girl from pain because even if she had been conscious when she was born, she would have required skin grafts over probably 90% of her body. That would have been a very long and painful way to exit the world, and I am thankful that she was spared that pain. I know that my baby girl is whole in Heaven, and that she isn't hurting and didn't hurt when God called her back to him. I also know that my stubborn little princess has already hunted down the next baby that God will send to us and is giving him or her tips on giving us a hard time when they get here, just because she didn't get to.
My husband is the strongest person I have ever met in my life. When the photographer came in, he put Kaitlyn in her "going home" outfit that is pictured in the last photo above, and I have never been more in love with a person in my entire life as I watched him tenderly put her in her outfit. He didn't cry at that point, but I could see him whispering to her as he dressed her.
After the pictures were taken, it was time for Kaitlyn to leave us. Her poor little body was breaking down so fast, and her sweet head was starting to get soft as we said our final goodbye to her. We both held her and cried over her, and I was the last one to hold her before the nurse took her away.
At this point, it was also time for us to be moved into our postpartum room. The hospital we had decided to deliver at had a few suite rooms that were really more like hotel rooms than hospital rooms. These rooms had a per night cost that wasn't covered by insurance, but Alex and I had both liked the idea of having a little more space because we had hoped there were a lot of people that would come by and ooh and ahh over our baby girl. The hospital was absolutely amazing, because they gave us the biggest room they had and they were not going to charge us for our stay in the room. I'm glad they were so generous, because we had quite a few people come by to see us in the days to come.
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