The Surgery

9.18.13 Part II

      After the initial shock had worn off, Dr. L started talking to me about what the next step was. She said that we should continue with the C-section and get Kaitlyn out. At this point, I asked if there was any way that they could get her out and start doing CPR to try to revive her, and Dr. L just shook her head and said "No, we don't know..." and I finished her sentence with "How long she's been down." I think that kind of took her by surprise that I understood what was going on.

     At this point, Alex asked me if I wanted him to call Mom and Dad and I told him yes. He called them, and they were actually already at the hospital trying to get to us. Mom said she ran down the long hallway between postpartum (where they were told to wait) and the ORs. They were there within about 5 minutes, and Alex showed them into our room. My Mom said she didn't really believe what was going on until she saw me, she though Alex was trying to play some kind of joke...

     Then it was time for us to go back to the OR. Mom and Dad were told to wait in the curtained room until we were out, and that they would come get them when they moved me to the post-op room.

     While they were wheeling us back, I kept turning around and looking for Alex. He had to walk a little behind the bed to keep out of the way of the nurses. We got into the OR, and it was silent in the room. The scrub tech was getting his table ready, but he didn't even turn around and introduce himself. They wheeled my bed up to the OR bed and asked me to scootch over to the operating table (how many times have I seen patients do this??). I did as they asked and sat up on the edge of the table facing away from the door so that the CRNA could put my epidural in. Her name was Carol and she was nice, she didn't talk very much outside of walking me through the procedure of getting an epidural. Alex sat on a stool just to my left, and Gail came and held me in the position for the epidural. I was still crying at this point, but not sobbing. I told Gail that this stupid epidural was my biggest worry when we got to the hospital.

      After they finished with the spinal/epidural, I was laid back on the table and the scrub tech started prepping my stomach. A drape went up at some point to block my view of my tummy, but I could still see a blurred reflection of it in the lights that were above the bed. I heard Dr. L come in, and her partner introduced herself and said she would be assisting Dr. L today. I don't remember if I acknowledged her or not.

       Alex stood next to me as they got started. They offered him another stool, but he said he wanted to stand. He watched as they started the incision and the doctors were talking about something but I don't remember what.

        After a few minutes, they started talking about Kaitlyn. I asked if she was out and Alex said, "Yes". I asked if she had hair and Dr. L said "Lots" and kind of giggled in that awkward "this isn't funny, but its kind of funny that you asked because you're right". They took Kaitlyn over to the left side of the room where they were "working on her", as Alex said. I didn't know what that meant, and he hasn't told me what all they did to her in those first few moments. Then a pediatrician, I think her name was Dr. Anna, who was not my pediatrician, came over behind the curtain to talk to me. She told me that they had looked at Kaitlyn and from the state of her it looked like she had passed away a few days ago and there was nothing else they could do for her. Then I think she went back to the incubator and helped wrap her up. I told Alex he could go over to her if he wanted to, but I think they ended up bringing her to him.

        There has never been a moment when I was more in love with my husband than in that first moment when I saw him hold Kaitlyn. He cried over her body and talked to her, and rocked her, until I was ready to see her. He brought her over and I saw her sweet little face and I just started sobbing. I told her how sorry I was, even though everyone insisted I did nothing wrong and she should have been just fine. Nobody could tell me why this happened.

         Alex continued to hold her while they sewed me up. I went back and forth between watching him and Kaitlyn and looking at the reflection of my belly in the lights to see how much longer it would be. Finally they said they were finished, and the drape came down. I couldn't see anything on my belly yet, but I think that was probably a good thing. They moved me back to the stretcher that I had come in on, and sat me up so that I could hold Kaitlyn for the first time. At that point, the room emptied out and it was just Alex, Kaitlyn, and me in our room for a little while. I cried and hugged her sweet little body and told her how sorry I was again.

        Then Gail came back in the room and asked if we were ready to go down the hall to the post op room. I got to hold Kaitlyn as they wheeled us down, and when we entered the room my parents and two of my church friends, Charlie and Becky, were in the room waiting for us.