Group Counseling

      When we got home from our errands Monday afternoon, I took a nap and woke up to find out that my Mom had been doing some research. The hospital that we chose to deliver at had offered quite a few classes for new parents, and I went to every single one of them except the couples pain management class. I didn't like the idea of being the only one there without their husband, and as much as my wing-woman Jenny had been gracious in sitting through the birthing classes with me, I was not about to subject her to that.

       My mom had somehow discovered that there was a grief class for parents that had been through miscarriages, stillbirths, and the loss of on an infant. She found out that the class was that night, and they only met once a month for sessions. She'd even gone as far as to call the hospital and make sure the group would be meeting last night, and to let the leaders of the group know that Alex and I may be coming and that we had just suffered a stillbirth the previous Wednesday. The leader of the session encouraged my mom to encourage us to go, even if all we did was sit there and cry. This week was going to be a "share" session, where everyone was just there to share their story. Mom first brought up the group to me, and I really didn't feel like going. Everything was still so fresh, and I felt like going was just going to make me sad. I wanted to give Alex the option of going, though, so I brought it up to him when he got home from running an errand to Trader Joe's. Alex really acted like he wanted to go, but he didn't want to push me too much. Since the group only meets on Monday nights, I knew that this week was the only opportunity Alex would have to come for a few months. I decided to suck it up and go.

         First off, we got pretty lost looking for this class. I'm pretty sure I walked way further than I probably should have, but we finally made it to the classroom and there were only two people there, including the group leader. The leader was a nurse named Deb, and she recognized me from the first birthing class I had attended at the hospital. I had talked to her after the class since Jenny had been my wing-woman that day and Deb kept correcting herself from saying "husbands" to saying "husbands and partners", which really just cracked Jenny and I up. Deb hugged on me and said how sorry she was that we were there, but that she was glad we decided to come to the group that night.

        The other lady that was in the room was a mom who had lost her baby boy at 6 months old. Her stillbirth happened 5 years ago. She told us the story of how she had some issues with spotting and called her OB on a Saturday only to be told to go in to the ER and have an ultrasound done. She was devastated when she learned that her little boy no longer had a heartbeat, and she decided to be induced that weekend to have him. She had also decided to bury him out in a cemetery in north Dallas, and she told me that she went to see her little boy every day that first year.

          Then we were asked to share our story... I asked Alex to tell it and I would interrupt when I wanted to, because I had pretty much sat there and cried the whole time while I was listening to the story of the 6 month old. Alex started out, but it wasn't very long before I interrupted and started talking. I needed to make sure that my side of the story was told, and how I had been silly enough to tell him not to worry when the first four nurses couldn't find Kaitlyn's heart beat. Our story didn't take very long to tell, and when I looked up Deb was just nodding her head and saying how sorry she was that we were here. I asked her how often things like this happen- and her only response was, "Way too often."

            When Alex and I walked back out to the car (he walked, I shuffled), I started talking to him about the other mom. She had told us that she had a little celebration every year on her boy's birthday and that every year until this year her family would meet her at his graveside to remember him. This year, her family forgot. They didn't call or text her, and they didn't show up at his graveside. I told Alex that I really don't want to be there in five years. This mom had another child, a successful pregnancy, after her stillbirth, and her little boy knew the name of their stillbirth child and even asked to go sit and think about his brother. I told Alex I know people grieve differently, but I really don't want to be there in five years. I know that this is a defining moment in our lives, but I don't want it to define who we are. I love our daughter, but she wouldn't want us to be sad about her being gone. I know where our baby is.