The Beginning... and the End

9.18.13 Part I

     When we first found out that Kaitlyn was sitting breech, I was pretty upset about it. I had had this plan to have a completely natural birth, no meds, just the way God intended (not to put down anyone who chooses the epidural). I had practiced my breathing, found my focus points, and gotten mentally ready to bring our daughter into the world.


      But that plan changed when we found out little miss stubborn had decided that her head was a better fit under my rib cage than in my pelvic bone. She was always rubbing her noggin right up next to my bottom rib, and I even use to hold her head down a little when I would drive because it would hurt so bad to have bone on bone action (apparently didn't hurt her, though). Anyways, my OB wanted to do the c-section on the 17th, and for some reason that date just sat wrong with me. I didn't like Sept 17th as a birthday. Later that week, I got a call from her scheduler that all the elective ORs were booked for C Sections on the 17th anyways, so we got bumped to the 18th. That felt better for some reason.

      Alex got home from Afghanistan in the early morning on Saturday the 14th. I had made a poster that I strapped across my belly that said "I waited for you, Daddy!" that was Kaitlyn's poster for him.

      On the morning of the 18th, we had to be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning for all my pre-op work. We had the carseat in the car, way more luggage that Alex thought was necessary, and all the excitement that new parents have. I kept saying "I just can't wait to meet her!" on the way to the hospital. We went up to Labor and Delivery, which was on the second floor, wound our way through the labyrinth to the nurses station and signed a little paper to notify the world that we had arrived. We went back into pre-op, which was just a row of beds covered by a curtain. We could hear other people talking that had just come out of surgery, so there was very little privacy as far as sound was concerned.

      My nurse, Gail, was training a new nurse who was still going through orientation named Morgan. They asked if it was ok for Morgan to check my vitals and get all the paperwork started, and of course I said it was fine for Morgan to stay. One of the two felt my belly and asked if I was feeling contractions- I told them not really, but they said my belly was tight like I was contracting right then. They started to hook me up to the two parts of the fetal monitor: one for the contractions and one for Kaitlyn's heart rate. That's when everything started going downhill. I had told them that Kaitlyn was sitting breech, which is why we were doing a c-section early (my due date was still about 5 days away), and Morgan took the first stab at trying to find K's heart beat. She searched around the area that I told her my OB had usually looked in, but she couldn't seem to find it.

      Alex was sitting in a chair to the left of me and he started to look worried (already!). I told him not to worry, and that our OB had had a hard time finding her heartbeat the first time she had looked for it since K liked to wiggle around and be in weird positions. Gail took over the probe, and started looking as well. Still quiet.

       The next step was for them to get the doppler wand to find the heart rate. This had a smaller surface area so it had a more focused beam to try to locate her little heart rate. They got down on the left side of my belly and found a heart beat, but it was at about 91. At that moment, I sighed and said "There's my baby girl- always so stubborn" and then they told me that that was the maternal (aka my) heartbeat and not K's. Now I have to admit I was getting a little anxious. The nurses called my OB to have her come in a little early to check with a sonogram for the heart beat.

       The next few minutes I spent trying to talk Alex down from being nervous, and using his anxiety to hide my own. Of course everything was going to be fine. Kaitlyn surely just had her little back pointed out and the probe wasn't strong enough to go through all that tissue to find her heartbeat. I remember thinking that it was really quiet outside our curtain, and I wondered if the other new mom had been wheeled back to her postpartum room.

        Then the OB walked in with the sono. There wasn't really any small talk, just a hey good morning and let's get down to business attitude. She had seen all of our sonograms and she knew right where to look for Kaitlyn's chest cavity.

         The first flash on the screen and I saw it. Her chest wasn't moving at all, there was no little flutter on the screen of the heart beating, no sound from the doppler confirming the beats. Nothing. It was quiet. The OB moved the wand down around the left side of my stomach again like she was looking, but I don't know what she was looking for. In this moment, I tried to steady myself by saying "she's still looking, she's still looking, there's hope". Dr. L took one more look across my baby's chest wall, and I saw the blood completely drain from her face. She looked at me and said, "There's no heart beat." I completely lost it. Completely. Lost. It. Think movie-quality drama. I curled up in a fetal position and cried out like nobody should ever have to cry in their life. Alex surrounded me with his arms and was sobbing just as hard as I was, and Dr. L even had tears in here eyes as well. I asked her WHY and she said "I don't know, I don't know". She hugged on me, and patted on my back as I sobbed into my husband's shoulders saying "My baby... my baby..."