Thursday and Friday

        Thursday was kind of a blur to me, and I'll attribute that to it being one of those "bad days" that accompanied a good day on Wednesday. My dad flew in on Thursday night, and it was good to see him since he had needed to go to work the previous Monday and only my mom had stayed with us that week.

       On Thursday, Alex had set up an appointment with Kenney for us to go pick up Kaitlyn at 4 pm on Friday. All day on Friday I tried really hard not to think about it. I tried to keep busy with my parents in town and tried to ignore the pit in my stomach that had formed when Alex told me that we had a definite appointment.

        Its not that I didn't want to have her with us, it was more that getting her from Kenney made everything more real. I know, its like holding her and having a memorial service didn't do that for m already?? Its a different kind of sadness when you think about your loved one being cremated and going to pick them up versus when you bury them. When you put someone in the ground, its usually done the same day as the services, and Kenney had offered to try to do that for us but I couldn't bear for Kaitlyn to leave the hospital before we did. So instead we needed to go pick her up from Kenney's office.

        After Alex, Mom, Dad, and I went to lunch, pretty much everyone told me I needed to go home and take a nap. I went and laid down on our bed, but I didn't sleep. I just laid there and cried for about 30 minutes before Alex came in to get me. I told him I needed to change clothes since I had worn sweat pants that day (and pretty much every day except for the day of the service). I decided that I at least needed to wear a skirt and a pretty top.

         My Mom and Dad had talked to us all week about what we wanted them to do while we got Kaitlyn. Did we want them to go with us? Did we want them to leave? Did we want them to stay through the weekend? We didn't have any answers for most of these, but I knew that just Alex and I should go pick her up. We are her parents, after all, and this was just a moment where I felt like it needed to be the three of us. Alex didn't disagree with me, and I think he appreciated that I saw it that way. As far as them leaving, I didn't know. My Mom had asked me a couple of times to let her know how I felt and that it wouldn't hurt her feelings if we wanted them to go, but I just couldn't answer her. I didn't know how I would feel or what I should expect to feel, so I couldn't tell her one way or the other what I thought we would want when we got done. Mom decided that the best option was for them to act like they were leaving but not actually leave Dallas, and that way if we needed them they were close. I liked that idea a lot.

          So Alex and I began our trek down to Kenney's office. It only took us about 20 minutes to get there, and I am 100% sure I cried the entire way. I kept telling Alex how badly I did NOT want to have to do this, to go pick up our daughter from being cremated. I was scared of what she was going to look like, and I was miserable thinking that this is the way we had to bring her home. I didn't want to bring her home in a box, but my sweet husband kept reminding me that "this was the best we can do in this situation." And of course, he was right.

         We arrived at the Distinctive Life office a few minutes early, and I sat in the car for a minute or two before I steadied myself enough to go in. When we walked in, the lobby was decorated in a really nice contemporary way and I told Alex that this was a nice place to have to deal with what they deal with. Kenney came out from her office and I immediately started crying again as soon as I saw her. She hugged on me and rubbed my back and told me it was ok, and I just kept thanking her for everything. Sweet Kenney just told me, "Oh Honey, I didn't do anything." I had to laugh at her and I said, "Are you kidding me?? You took care of our baby." To which she responded with a giggle and said, "Yeah I did do that." She asked if we were ready to see her and we both said yes, and Kenney went back to her office and brought out Kaitlyn's little temporary urn. Alex and I hadn't even made a decision about what we wanted her final urn to look like, so Kenney had put her in a temporary urn which is just a rectangular box about 2 inches by 2 inches by 4 inches. I took that box and held it against my chest and just cried. She was so tiny! The little box was heavy, and I asked if I could look in it and Kenney told me sure. I pried the lid off a little and inside there is a beautiful red velvet bag that holds her ashes. I didn't go any farther than that, I just wanted to see what was inside the box. There is also a little metal tag that I suppose it to keep everybody organized out there at the cremation site. 

          After I held Kaitlyn for a little while, I asked Alex if he wanted to hold her and of course he did. He held her close to his chest as we chit chatted with Kenney. She told us the story of her son, who is a Marine, and she and her husband were headed to visit him that weekend. She made us laugh a little about "Jon-Jon" and how badly she had embarrassed him when he had finished basic training. She showed us a picture of her beautiful granddaughter who had crowned her with the name, "Nanana", which is what she will always be to us. 

         When we left Kenney's office, she was sure to tell us that we should stop by and see her whenever we were in the area and we felt like it. I can tell you that when Alex has to stay in El Paso and I am in Dallas by myself I will definitely go see her and get hugs from her. She was by far a blessing in the worst situation.

         We drove slowly home and I called Mom and Dad and told them to come wait out traffic at our house since it was a Friday afternoon in Dallas. When we got to the house, I took Kaitlyn inside and put her next to her white Jenny bunny on my nightstand, right next to the memory box from the hospital, and next to a beautiful arrangement of flowers.