Disturbing

1.11.14-1.12.14

      That Saturday, I grabbed Jenny and went shopping. I was in desperate need of a make-over since I had been told that we would have a live news event. We were suppose to meet Pat at the studio to be announced as the three winners of the Treasure You contest. I was pretty excited, but like I said, my whole wardrobe consisted of maternity and pre-maternity (aka skinny me) clothes. None of that on TV, please.

       The whole weekend, I started getting nervous. R had emailed the three of us and asked for photos to go along with the news stories, so Alex and I combed over a few of our NILMDTS pictures and picked out a few of those to send in. In the back of my mind, I was a little worried about the reaction that might solicit from people. I wanted to think that everyone would be so heartbroken by our story that nobody would ever say anything hurtful about our daughter, but I also wasn't that naive.
       
        We live in a world of social media. That can be a really good thing, or a really bad thing. NILMDTS has a facebook page, and soon after Kaitlyn's death I "liked" it so that I could see the updates from the organization, and it also allows me to see when others comment on the page. Most of the time, its other moms who have used the service and wanted to thank the organization for giving them a gift that can never be repaid.
         "These pictures are disturbing." she wrote. "I am 32 weeks pregnant and this came up as a 'suggested site' on facebook. These pictures should be private, they are disturbing and sad. There are kids on the internet and they shouldn't be subjected to pictures of dead babies."
          This poor mom had stumbled across the NILMDTS website and had voiced my biggest fear: that people would not appreciate having pictures (however beautiful and tastefully done) of dead babies forced on them.
           To this day, I still do not have our pictures of Kaitlyn up on either of our facebook pages. Its not really that different from my pregnancy, only one sonogram picture ever made it on facebook and that's only because Alex thought she looked like she was doing a chin-up or something athletic and just had to post it. The only pictures I have shared have been on this blog, and that way if you look at them that's your own fault and I didn't force them on you (but my God we  made a beautiful baby girl!).
           What followed after that comment was a string of moms defending the organization and their rights to post their pictures wherever the hell they wanted to. I didn't really care, but I worried what pictures the news cast would chose to show and what people's reactions to those pictures would be.

But you know what, the Devil is a liar. He constantly uses our biggest fears to intimidate us away from taking hold of a situation and relying fully on God to take care of it. After everything I'd been through, you would think I would have learned that God is always in the details, and His plan for us is always good.