That afternoon

1.17.14

      In a true twist of irony, I had an OB appointment that afternoon with Dr. L. I went to work for a few hours, and then swung by the house to pick up Alex and head to the doctor's office.
      The office had been going through a renovation, so for the last appointment I had when I was still pregnant and my post-natal appointment, I ended up seeing Dr. L on a different floor than her office staff was on. This time, however, they were finished with the renovations so we walked in to a nice big waiting room and walked up to the check in desk.
      There were a couple of babies in the waiting room, but since I had done so well over Christmas with Ash and Sam's kids, I really didn't think twice about it. Until one of them started to cry.
      I couldn't help it. After sharing our story and having God be so faithful in answering our prayers and guiding our steps, I was still sad. I still miss my daughter. With all of my heart. There will always be this ache to be reunited with her. That hurt is made infinitely worse when I hear somebody else's child cry. Maybe because I will never know what Kaitlyn's voice sounds like. I will never get to see her eyes open and blink at me as I watch her wake up from a nap.
      I'm still mourning my daughter. Through all of the highs and lows, I am still missing a huge part of my heart. And I think I always will be. Not to the degree that I am right now, while I wait for our next child to finally greet us, but I will always miss Kaitlyn. There will never be anyone in this world as fabulous as that little girl that loved me while Alex was gone. And was stubborn as hell and wouldn't ever turn to greet the world. Nobody can ever come close to all that sassiness in such a small package.
      Dr. L's MA saw me and brought me back early.
      "I'm really not ready for you yet, I just wanted to get you away from the infants," she said as she sat us in one of the rooms.
      "Thank you." I whispered, somewhat embarrassed by having a dang break down in the middle of the waiting room.
        When Dr. L finally came in, we sat and talked for a little while about Kaitlyn. I told her that I had walked through the L&D department earlier that week, and that I had even been on the news that same morning talking about stillbirths.
         "There couldn't be a better spokes couple," she said. "You're both well-educated, and well-spoken. And good looking!" I had to laugh at that one. I told her that we had shared some of Kaitlyn's pictures and I ended up showing her Mallie's pictures that I keep on my phone (just in case anybody wants to see a picture of my sweet girl).
         And then we talked about next time. We talked about starting up our family again. Dr. L was excited that we were emotionally ready to start trying again.
         "I look forward to hearing some really good news from you not too long from now," she said as we wrapped up the appointment. "And anytime you want to hear that heartbeat, you just come in. We will let you listen to it anytime you want."

         Can I just camp out in the office for 9 months? (I'm just kidding... Kind of...)