Reflections

1.18.14

       Alex and I had gone to the Treasure You event in separate cars because he didn't want to get there that early just to watch me have makeup put on (such a guy!). He dropped me off at my car on the other side of the hotel, and I sat in my car for a few minutes before I was ready to go.
       I got on the other side of the hotel before I started crying. I had been so high and so low over the last 48 hours, and I just needed to cry. There were so many emotions that day. I loved being honored, I was flattered and humbled and blessed that God would remember me in such a way.

But at the same time...

        I miss my daughter. I ache for. my. daughter. All this attention and sharing, it didn't bring her back. It didn't make it any easier. I know that being able to bring this conversation out to the world is helping a lot of women, but I was still grieving. I am still grieving. I will always be grieving.
        I think that's why Sabryna made such an impact on me. I would never ever compare my pain to hers because I think hers is so much worse: she had a relationship with her son on this side of Heaven very different to what I was able to have with Kaitlyn. She heard his voice, talked to him daily, watched him grow from a boy into a man. Watched him find his personality and his place in the world. And in an instant, that was all taken from her. And then replayed over and over and over again as the trial of George Zimmerman came about. And then when George Zimmerman popped up on the news now and then for random things like speeding in Texas. The man who shot her son couldn't have the common decency to stay out of the news so that she could grieve in private instead of having his name said on the TV and refreshing that pain.
        Sabryna has been catapulted into a world of fame. She has pictures with the First Lady, attended several fundraisers and balls, and been honored in other ways similar to the Treasure You honor. And yet, I bet she would trade all that and more to have Treyvon back in her house lounging on the couch and playing video games.
        I was amazed that I had been able to meet such women, and that for some reason people kept coming up to Alex and me at the reception and asking to take pictures with us? I had about 7 different women come up to me and tell me that they had lost children in similar ways, and then they would want a picture. It was weird. It wasn't me. I felt sympathy for celebrities always having to pose and smile with complete strangers who found them fascinating.
        I cried the entire way back to the house. The entire 40 minute drive. I was completely exhausted when I got home, and I immediately washed the makeup off my face. I loved the moment, was grateful for the moment, but I was also glad the moment was over.

It was time to going back to just being Alex and me.