Close my eyes...

1.21.14

     Nothing much happened the Sunday and Monday after the Treasure You event. We went to Chad and Jenny's house that Saturday night to celebrate Chad graduating with his Bachelor's degree (yay Chad!) and just to love on our friends who know us as who we are, not just through TV appearances and broadcasts.
 
     The following Tuesday, I was meeting up with my Mom's cousin named Tina. Tina was one of those people in my life who had come in and out as our family moved and grew, but in the past few years she has become more present and open with sharing her faith and what God has done for her. She travels a lot for work, and had told me that she would be in Dallas and wanted to meet up. Of course I said yes, and I was excited!

       We met up at a trendy restaurant not too far from our house, and we started to share stories and break bread together. Tina has a daughter that is about 10 years younger than me, and the two of them like to try out new restaurants and eat weird things. They deemed themselves "foodies" and always look for an opportunity to be adventurous.
        Tina talked to me that night a lot about Kaitlyn, and about it being okay that I am still (and will always be) mourning her. She talked about how people have been inspired by the way we handled her death, and that always flatters me and humbles me. Like I've said before, I don't ever go back and edit or re-read my entries. I just let the words flow through me and then I post it. There are some definite times that I know God has used me to speak to people, most profoundly the post that I wrote about how God views lost people. And most of the time when people say I inspire them I just look at them cock-eyed and think they've got to be out of their minds, because I am incredibly broken. Maybe transparently broken, but broken nonetheless.
       "You're going to be pregnant soon," Tina told me as we talked about healing. "I know it." It was one of those God moments again- I knew she was right. Felt it in my innermost being.
        "Did I ever tell you the story of my mom's passing?" she asked me. I shook my head that she hadn't. "My mom was sick, and we had her on hospice. It was getting to the point that we knew that she wasn't going to be with us long, so I called Steve (her brother) and told him that he should come on down to Houston so that he could be there at the right time. We all had our pallets made in the living room of Mom's house, and it was in the middle of the night when I was sitting at her bedside holding her hand. I watched her breathing start to get more difficult, and I knew that I couldn't watch this again. I didn't want to wake anybody else up, but instead I just prayed to God that I wasn't strong enough and I couldn't watch my mother die. When I got done praying, I felt like someone came up behind me and put their hands around my eyes. I thought it was Stevie covering my eyes because he had woken up at the exact right time. I let go of Mom's hands and reached up to pull his hand down, and I realized that there wasn't anybody there. In that same moment, my eyes were opened, and mom was gone."
       "Wow, Tina," I said, totally in awe of her recollection of that moment and her sorrow yet joy in God answering her prayer so directly and instantaneously.

        I think one of the things that has really disrailed Christianity (if I can be so bold) in America is that we're all so concerned about spouting our Bible verses and "saying the right things" to non-believers that we forget to express what God has done for us individually. This is one of the reasons I wanted to write everything down, because I knew in that first week that God was calling me to write this down as a testament for what He has done for me, for us. And I know that I am weak and imperfect, and that I would never remember every detail that He has graciously shown me.
       So instead, I write. I write the beauty and the broken all in one because that's what He has done for me. He has taken my broken heart when I was ordering Kaitlyn's urn and reminded me that He is working in all things by letting a group of people I hadn't seen in months name a star after her. Even though I sat and cried and was shattered in a million pieces in the middle of the kitchen at that moment, He still used it for His glory. He is still, and will continue, to work through us to touch others.