I'm just kidding...

12.20.13

      Friday I was really excited because one of our physician groups were throwing their annual Christmas party. I had picked out my outfit, and I was going to stop by for just a little while because I was also going out to our hometown that weekend and my flight was the last one out that night. But first, I needed to get through the work day.
       One thing happened that day that was fairly significant: I actually had to walk out of a case because I was upset. One of the anesthesiologists who had come to visit us in the first 24 hours after Kaitlyn passed was working with us that day (luckily, I had a coworker with me), and we were in the process of waking the patient up. This physician is known as a jokster, he has his set of jokes he tells nearly every patient before he puts them to sleep and most of them are really funny. He makes everyone feel at ease, and he is one of my favorite people to work with.
      While he was trying to wake the patient up, the patient started squirming a little bit on the table. I'm not sure of the gender of the patient, but this doc said to them, "Don't worry, don't fret, the baby's fine...". We don't do anything even remotely related to birth, so then he delivered the punchline, "I'm just kidding, there's no baby here." UGH.
        I know that he didn't see me in the room; I had snuck in about half way through the case. And now I was about to sneak out of the case. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I couldn't help but be mad, but I knew he would never say that in front of me on purpose. And like I've said before, I don't really want to be the person that everyone edits themselves in front of. But his joke hurt. I know it wasn't a slam at me, but it still hurt.

       I left early that day and went and took care of some paperwork I needed to get finished. I felt kind of off for the rest of the day, and then I started getting a little anxious about going to the Christmas party. Remember how I told you I was the second in a line of 5 girls that were all pregnant together? Well, 4 out of the 5 of us were suppose to be at the party that night. I went early since I wouldn't be able to stay long, and within about 15 minutes of me getting there Sarah showed up. Sarah was big pregnant, she was number 4 in the lineup behind E, me, and Kaitlyn. She saw me, and complete joy lit up her face. I hadn't been able to go over to the office at all since I had been back at work, mostly because I was terrified of seeing Kaitlyn face to face because I wanted to love her but felt such jealousy of her all at the same time. Sarah had come to see us in the hospital, and she is one of the sweetest people I've ever met.
      She quickly came over and gave me a big hug, "I've missed you. I've been worried about you... How are you?" It was a bear hug, and I loved every second of it. I had missed her too, we are right about the same age and both have ties to West Texas so we were fast friends when she moved to Dallas. I told her I was doing okay, but that I hadn't stopped by the office because it was just too hard. "We totally understand," she said. She let me know that her little one was coming on Monday. I had a wave of that panic similar to what I had with my cousin's birth. "She's head down?" I asked. "Yup, she's ready to go." Sarah replied. We talked about work a little, and then she asked if we were going to have another baby soon. "Definitely," I replied. "Well, you're going to have a hard time topping that name..." She laughed, "You're not going to reuse that, right?" "Um no! I have heard of people doing that, but that was absolutely Kaitlyn's name, and nobody else's. She kind of picked it." I laughed back at her. K-So will always only be for my first little girl and nobody else.
      Later, preggo number 5 showed up and the three of us were standing around talking. We talked about how funny it was that all of us had been pregnant together, and number 5 is due in January. Sarah looked at me with her pregnancy glowing face and said confidently, "And then you'll start the cycle over." I love her.

      I said a quick good-bye to everyone and headed out to the airport. I felt good, I was glad that I hadn't let my anxiety about the party keep me from going. I had gotten some great hugs and enjoyed seeing people I hadn't broken the ice with yet.