Return of the Nanana

12.12.13

     On Thursday, I got a wild hair and decided to text Kenney. I just wanted to stop by and get a hug from her, I had missed having an excuse to go see her now that all the business from the memorial service had died down.

Me: "Hi Kenney, can I come get a hug later this afternoon?"

Kenney: "I would love to see you!!! You have been on my mind and I wanted to call you but was hesitant..."

    What I ended up telling her later is that I had felt the same way. I felt like I wanted to keep up a relationship with Kenney because she is legitimately one of the coolest people I've ever met, and we would have been friends if we had randomly met through a friend but instead she just happened to be our funeral director. I had hesitated to text her earlier because I didn't want to be one of those awkward people who just keeps hanging around after the purpose in the relationship has been completed. I didn't want Kenney to have to apologize to other people for me hanging around and her having to say, "Oh I helped her bury her daughter and she just keeps hanging around."  I was extremely relieved when Kenney gave me permission on that Thursday to come by and get a hug from her. So I did.

     When I walked into her building, Kenney was at the front desk instead of back in her office. She came around and gave me a big hug and said, "I have been so worried about you... I thought I did something wrong, and then I thought you were just doing really well and I didn't want to bring you down." I almost started crying. I had been so self conscious for nothing, and it wasn't my imagination that we were going to continue to be friends after all of Kaitlyn's service stuff was completed. 

     "I've got a family in my office..." She continued, letting me know that she wouldn't be able to talk for long. "I am having issues helping them bury their family member across state lines. But I want to talk to you. I want to hear how going back to work went. Is Alex here this weekend? Do y'all want to come over for brunch? Here's my home address, y'all come over on Sunday." Okay, this fabulous lady  is giving me her home address. I can't tell you how excited I was that I was going to get to be friends with the Nanana for reals! 

      We made our arrangements for getting together over the weekend, and I left her office with a boatload of emotions. I had been so excited to see her and that she wanted to see me, but it felt incredibly anticlimactic to leave her office with just plans instead of a 45 minute talk hearing about what all had been going on in our lives in the previous weeks. 

      When I got back to the house that afternoon, I lost it again. I had been so excited to sit and talk to Kenney and I was a little angry with the family who had decided to need help when I needed her first. I was saddened because it felt like one of the few people who had been there and held Kaitlyn was busy. It was that dialing emotions of wanting to be happy that we had plans but also be sad in the moment that I wanted to have her undivided attention.

  

      I rarely listen to the music that we played at Kaitlyn's memorial service. But for some reason, I decided that I needed to listen to the Chris Tomlin song that Alex had picked out to remember her, "Awakening." I had only listened to it a handful of times since the memorial service, and in those instances I was immediately brought to tears and had a moment remembering where I was emotionally the last time I heard that song. There had been one moment in the first few weeks that I was alone in Dallas where I just had a complete breakdown listening to it as the music filled our home. This was another one of those moments where I just needed to cry and be completely broken before God. 

      One of the things I noticed about that song is that the background of it is a heartbeat. I don't know that I ever noticed it before we played it at Kaitlyn's service, but now I love to listen to it even more because my ears hone in on that steady, slow beating before the start of the lyrics and I think about how awesome it is that our God creates such intricate beings on a daily basis. 

      I was sitting at the built-in desk in our house with my forehead laying on the counter, letting the tears fall down the bridge of my nose into my lap when I heard my phone ding with a text message. Normally, it my mom. She randomly texts me throughout the day to see what I'm up to and how my day is going. But this time it wasn't my mom. It was Jan.

Jan: "Hi Amy, your face came up in my mind just now, sending you favor, peace and love right now!"

Me: "Thank you! I just had a cry session. Yesterday was 12 weeks...3 months... Seems like an eternity and an instant all at once."
Jan: "Awe sweet Amy, so many milestones... you're right, fast but also in slow motion!!"
Me: "Thank you for the prayers, and for responding when God put me on your heart. His timing is perfect!!"
Jan: "I'm finally believing this!! So happy you know it at your young age!"

      Sometimes I get really weighed down in the responsibility of saying the right thing to explain to people my relationship with God through Jesus Christ. I feel like if I just quote the right verses or repeat the things I've heard from various pastors over the years, I can help people understand it. But what I've come to realize is that sometimes the most powerful things we can say and use to show God's glory and mercy is our own stories and glimpses of God. The hope the personal stories I have shared with you over the last few months have enticed you to start thinking of your own spirituality, and what god you are currently serving. The fact that Jan, a friend I have barely spent any time with and yet have connected with on so many levels, followed the stirring in her heart and mind to text me at the exact moment that I was face-down in my brokenness in worship to God is yet another testimony of the love He has for me (and you). He is constantly showing us His presence and grace, but you have to be aware of it to recognize it for what it is.