Meeting Sir William

12.28.13

      After jammie and coffee time, Alex swung by the house to pick me up to go get ready for the 80th birthday party. I started to get a little bit nervous about seeing everyone. My uncle, Ash and Sam's dad had stopped by grandma's house earlier that day, and everyone kept telling me that Ash had been asking when we were going to get there because she was anxious to see me. I kept asking if Sam and her husband and Sir William were going to be there, but everyone kept evading me. They kept telling me that William hadn't had all his shots so they weren't sure if Sam wanted to bring him and let him be around a lot of people. I wasn't really sure if people were telling me the truth or not, but I just let it be.
     That afternoon, I went over to the restaurant with a couple of the women in our family to help set up the room for the party. My second cousin has a bakery, so her family brought a beautiful cake to celebrate. It was the first time I had seen this part of the family, so I obviously got a lot of hugs and a lot of "I'm glad to see you"s and "So sorry to hear about Kaitlyn"s. One thing I forgot about (forgive me, John!) is that my second cousin had ALSO had a baby boy in July. John and his wife had a little boy named Luke and the three of them showed up as we were setting up the room. The pit of my stomach dropped out when I saw him, but he was wearing this adorable little hat and he has what our family likes to call "Montgomery ears" where they stick out just a little bit. When Ash had Presley, the very first picture I ever saw of Presley I said, "Oh my gosh she has Ash's ears", and those are the famous Montgomery ears.
     Then Ash arrived with Presley and Brenna. I was, again, a little nervous about seeing Brenna because the last time I had seen her was at the house after Kaitlyn's memorial service. I remember that Brenna had been a little fussy and started crying and I had to leave the room because I needed to cry myself and also because I didn't want to have a physical reaction to the sound of a baby crying. But when Brenna got there, I was beside myself with joy. Oh my gosh I wanted to hold her. So, I did. I think she weighs about 15 pounds now, and she is the sweetest little girl. And she looks absolutely nothing like Kaitlyn. She looks like her dad, who has strawberry blonde/red hair. Presley looks like Ash to me and Brenna looks like her dad. I held her, and we walked around the area and looked at the Christmas lights. Brenna played with my necklace that I had on, and this moment was incredibly, incredibly therapeutic for me. I had talked to Kate pretty extensively the past Monday about going to Houston and seeing all the family babies, and she told me to just live in the moment and if I felt like loving on a baby to love on a baby and if not, my family would understand (understatement of the year). I was so glad that I went to Houston, and that I had taken Kate's advice because I loved every minute of holding Brenna.

     Sam's family of three still hadn't shown up, so I asked Ash again if Sam was going to make it. She said she honestly didn't know. I am still not convinced this wasn't a plan to see how I reacted to the other kiddos first before they subjected me to meeting William for the first time (have I mentioned I have the best family in the world for caring about me so much?)
      As we all sat down and settled in to dinner, Sam and her hubs showed up. Sam had William in a baby wearer on her chest, and I have to tell you that in the first instant William's hair looked really dar. Like black. Like Kaitlyn's hair black. And about as long. I sat frozen in my seat with my stomach clinching and said to myself, "I can't do this. He looks like Kaitlyn. He looks like Kaitlyn." And about that time I noticed that Alex had leapt out of his seat to go and greet Sam and her husband.
     I think I lived about six-hundred emotions all in the span of three seconds. I was so nervous and sick about William looking like Kaitlyn. I felt a little betrayed that Alex had left me so quickly to greet them. I felt sad that I wasn't baby-wearing Kaitlyn. And then, I was happy. I was happy for Sam. I was glad that this wasn't her story.
     And then I wanted to touch him. I like really really wanted to touch him. So I got up from my seat and went over to hug Sam hello. I'm pretty sure we nearly crushed Sir William in his baby sling, but when we pulled away I realized something. His hair wasn't like K's at all. It was lighter, more like Sam's dirty blonde hair. And he smelled like a baby should. There was complete and utter joy. I didn't cry, but I just stood there for a minute and played with his hair, barely an inch and a half long. It was so soft, just like Kaitlyn's. His head could be cupped in my hand, just like Kaitlyn's. But his eyes were lighter, maybe hazel. And his hair was so blonde I wondered how I had seen it as dark as I had initially, but I guess it was a trick of the light. I was overjoyed to just run my fingers through his hair.
Sam, bless her heart, just let me. She let me stand there (probably a little awkwardly) and go through all of the emotions that I needed to, and I love her for it.
     When I see William, I don't see Kaitlyn. I know its still really early in my grief for me to say this, but I don't think that every time I see William it will make me depressed because we lost Kaitlyn. I think instead it will remind me of what an amazing gift babies really are. Every single life should be celebrated from conception until death, and William's life is such a blessing and a miracle. His birthdays will probably remind me of how old Kaitlyn would have been, but I also know that those birthdays were never part of her story. And I will rejoice with my cousin because they are part of William's.