Building the foundation

     I have been extremely fortunate in my life to have been exposed to a lot of Christianity. A lot of churches, a wide variety of theologies, and a lot of great teachers. A LOT of great teachers.

     People have said to me, "You're so strong in your faith. I could never have handled it as gracefully as you did. You're so amazing."
     First and foremost: People are crazy. I mean, I don't think I have handled Kaitlyn's death in a bad way, but I also am not naive enough to think that this is all me. Have I tried to be transparent in my sorrow and grief? Absolutely. I have even written a couple of posts just to show that I am not amazing. These emotions are true and real to who I am, and who am I am evolving to be as I walk my grief daily.
      However, and this is a big however, I need to emphasize that I have been building on  my foundation in Christ since I was 8 years old. There have been seasons when I walked away from church and the "Christian" walk (read: Senior year of high school was rough and I think my parents would 100% agree I got lost), and as I went through college Church and actively pursuing Christ really fell on the back burner.
       The summer before my Senior year in High School, my church did a Senior's only Bible study. I was really excited and showed up every Wednesday night at whoever's house to be fed by other's knowledge and to grow my own. One Wednesday it was my turn to host the study, and I was ecstatic. Like cloud 9 ecstatic. I was excited to have all of these awesome Christ followers coming to my home to worship!
       An hour or two before the study was suppose to start, I got a call from the leader who was one of my friend's dads. "We're going to cancel the study for the rest of the summer," he told me. "Nobody could come tonight, and people are just getting busy with vacations and not going to be able to attend. I'm sorry." When I was on the phone with him, I handled it like an adult. After we hung up, I cried for a good 30 minutes. I had been leaning on that group so much to prepare me for the challenges of the upcoming seasons of change. I felt abandoned. I felt left out. I was disappointed. And beyond all that, I knew that I would fall. I knew that if I didn't prepare, I was going to fall on my face because my faith wasn't strong enough. And that's exactly what ended up happening. Instead of pursuing my relationship with Christ on my own, I fell into going along with the crowd and hanging out with people I'm not proud that I followed. I let things that should have shocked and shamed me become okay. Almost like the tale of the frog who is boiled alive because he doesn't feel the water around him getting hot.
       The point is: I was leaning way too much on others to grow me. I made the decision to let others dictate the depth of my relationship with God. After I fell, I did a big U-turn around the time I went to college and when I lived with Nancy I continued to be challenged in my personal walk.

       I had heard it throughout the years, but I never really got it that your relationship with Christ is as deep as you want it to be, and it is personal. All of us will have struggles, guaranteed. It even says it in 1 Thesselonians 3:3 that we are destined to go through trials. Here's the thing, though: God doesn't give us a blueprint for when those trials will occur. He doesn't tell us if it will happen tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or not for 50 years. I guarantee my parents never had it cross their mind that their first granddaughter would be called home early, and if they had seen that Kaitlyn's death was coming they would have begged us not to get pregnant to avoid the pain.
      The point is this: build your foundation. Don't wait for the trials and struggles and pain. Don't wait on your pastor to return from vacation, don't wait on that Bible study to start at church. Start now. Ask God to grow your spirit and genuinely seek Him. He will provide you with such individual attention that you'll be amazed that you didn't find Him before. You'll start recognizing His favor in your every day actives. And then, when the rain comes, your foundation will be solid. You'll still hurt, you'll still cry, but you will know in your heart and soul that your Father loves you. He yearns for a relationship with you and for you to seek him.