12 weeks (part II)

     On Wednesday afternoon, I had the appointment with Kate that had been rescheduled. Funny how that worked out that on Monday it didn't bother me one bit to reschedule that appointment, but now that it was Wednesday I really needed to talk to Kate. And here I had an appointment already scheduled with her. God took care of it before I even knew what I needed.

     I sat in her office and cried. A lot. Almost the entire time. I told her how there were images that were coming back, and things were getting more clear. One of the memories I have is in those precious few minutes after the c-section was complete and the whole OR emptied out to leave Alex and I alone with our precious baby girl for a few minutes. I remember Alex standing by me as I held our daughter, and I remember the nurses coming back in after our quiet moments and asking if we were ready to go. I think I said, "Sure, I guess." They left me sitting up holding Kaitlyn as we wheeled down the hallway to the next room where we would be reunited wth my parents.

     I also remembered what had happened the night before we delivered Kaitlyn. Remember how I said I was/am a control freak? Well the biggest thing I was worried about with having a c-section was that the CRNA that did the entire epidural would miss and hit a nerve and I would be paralized or something. I have no idea why this was my biggest fear, but it was. I mean, the hospital I delivered at does 200 births a month, and well over half of those are caesarean. 

      I remembered that I stood in the kitchen of our house, and rocked back on my heels as I started crying to Alex and my Mom about how badly I didn't want to do "this". When I told Kate that, she said, "What did you think you were talking about?" And I told her the epidural. "Hmm." she said. Yes, Hmm indeed. I'm not trying to say that I knew what was coming, but I think something in my mother's intuition knew that there was something wrong. Another thing I started remembering is that Dani, our rotweiller mix, wouldn't sleep in our room that night. My parents were in the guest room, and normally when we have guests she puts on a little show when its time to go to bed and sometimes I have to pick up all 80 lbs of her in order to get her in our bedroom. That night, I decided to call it quits early and get some sleep (since everyone had been warning me to sleep that week because after Kaitlyn got here there wouldn't be time to sleep). Since my parents were still up, we let Dani stay out with them and they would usually crack our bedroom door for her to come in where we were. That night, though, Dani wouldn't come in our room at all. She fought my parents the whole way and ultimately won the right to sleep in the guest room with them.

   

      My mom had told me the whole story in the immediate weeks after Kaitlyn. I had told her several times that Dani knew something was wrong because she wouldn't come lay by me anymore. Big dogs always like to sniff crotches, and Dani would do that to me sometimes and then back away growling. At the time, I thought that it was just because she sensed a new little sister in me that would soon be replacing her as the kid in the house. But really, I think its because Dani could sense or smell that Kaitlyn wasn't okay. I don't know if it was a hormone thing or just a dog intuition, and that might just sound crazy, but I think my big protector knew. 

      When I talked to Kate about all of these new memories, she told me that at week 12(ish) the fog of grief starts to lift and we start to remember things we hadn't remembered before. "You'll start processing things you haven't already worked through." 

       Is is wrong of me to tell you that I dread it? I don't want to work through more things. I would rather be done grieving, but something tells me I will be grieving in some way for the rest of my life. Which I suppose is the way its suppose to be when you lose a child.

At least until you are reunited for eternity.