Kaitlyn's return

12.5.13

    Thursday morning I went to work at my home base hospital. I was in the middle of the case when the doctor asked me to call over to her office and ask if one of the Medical Assistants had taken care of something. I called over, talked to a front desk person that I had seen in passing, and then waited patiently on hold while she found someone who could take my call. My sweet friend Kaitlyn picked up the phone.
    I felt like somebody had slapped me in the face. Kaitlyn had read the post I wrote about her and her baby girl, and she had told me that it really hurt her feelings because she felt like I had called her out personally and publicly. Well... I did kind of. I could have changed her name, but her name is the same as my baby girl, so that was just salt in the wound. I could have not ever published that post, but I felt like I needed to be transparent or else this was just a fake series of stories and not how things really happened. I have tried my best to write in a way that is true to my feelings and emotions through all of this, mostly to help myself grieve, but also to help those of you who are coming behind me. Jealousy is real, and it will completely consume you if you let it.
    Anyways, Kaitlyn answered the phone. I asked her what the doctor was asking after and relayed the message to the doctor. Our conversation was no more than 30 seconds, but I felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach. As soon as I hung up the phone, I looked at my coworker who I was with (thank God) and said, "I need a minute... I'm going to go take a minute."
    I walked out into the hallway and tried to breath deeply to get the emotions out without crying. One of the nurses heard me from down the hall and said, "Well that was a big sigh!" I came up to the desk where she was sitting and saw the manager, Sherri. Sherri was the one who told me when I first came back to work that if I needed to have a moment that her office could be my safe place. Without making eye contact with either of them I said, "Sherri, Is your office open? Can I use it?" and she replied with, "Please do!"
    Around the corner I went as I felt the tears start welling up in my eyes. I went in Sherri's office and quietly closed the door. I sat in the chair right next to the door and just let the tears start flowing. I cried in a fit of "Its not fair." I wanted my daughter. Why did this happen to me? WHY God, did this happen to me? I let the tears consume me. I was still wearing my radiation lead and I put my head in my hands with my elbows on my knees as I let the tears run down the bridge of my nose. *plop plop... plop* As I closed my eyes and just cried. I missed her, and talking to Adult Kaitlyn on the phone was just a reminder of what I was missing. I was missing my baby Kaitlyn *plop* I wasn't suppose to be back at work yet *plop* Why did this happen? I felt a movement in my heart and then I thought, "Because there is something I need you to do that nobody else can." *plop* Ok. *plop* That doesn't make it easy. Or fun. This was a moment when I was genuinely miserable, and I just wanted my baby.
     After I took a few deep breaths and felt the tears start to slow, I texted Alex. I know he prayed for me in that moment. I know that he was praying for my strength to keep going in my day. And I did. Fun fact: If you hold your head just right, the tears will either run down the bridge of your nose, or they will run straight back towards your temple. Either way, your makeup is smudge free. I waited a few more minutes after my last tear, and then I stood up and "dusted off" if you will. I headed back out to finish out the day at work, but I felt better knowing that I had succumbed to my tears for a minute and that I had heard the Spirit encouraging me in the purpose again. I still don't know what that purpose is, but I know that there is more going on here than just me and Kaitlyn.