Being Challenged

2.13.14

    Over the last couple months, God has been growing me. I know it may come as a shocker, but I don't have everything figured out.

     In January, I had decided to go through Beth Moore's Whispers of Hope book, and the result has been... challenging. One of the things that has stuck with me the most is this idea that we can be swayed in our thinking of God by only looking at what He does instead of who He is. Let that sink in for a minute.
     God didn't choose to save Kaitlyn, but that doesn't change His character. At the Hope Mommies retreat, Erin told us during one of the sessions that God is the same God that He was the day before our babies died, and the day that our babies died, and the day after our babies died. He never changes in His character and He never wavers in His love.
     I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. We tend to picture God by what He does or doesn't do rather than who He truly is. Its almost like if you have a friend that is a nurse: you can look at them and say, "I know what you do. You care about people, you help the sick, you might get thrown-up or pooped on, you reach out to families when they're hurting." But to look at every nurse and say, "I know you by your work" would be insulting and untrue. Spending genuine time with God is the only way to know Him, and by the grace of the Holy Spirit we have the opportunity to do that.

      Another thing I've learned is about how I pray. I use to just pray the things I'm thankful for and the things I think I need. I got in a routine and I never really broke out of it. When I went to dinner with my mom's cousin, Tina, she prayed before the meal and she said, "Forgive us for our sins." What? I've never prayed that with the exception of when I became a Christian at the ripe young age of 8 years old. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that the initial prayer was really all God needed to hear. He didn't need to hear about the million little ways I stumble daily. He didn't need to be bothered with all that detail.
      But what God showed me over the week after dinner with Tina is that He does care about the details, and that He appreciates it when we call out to Him our shortcomings.
       Just to give you an illustration, because I believe that's how God teaches me most of the time: its like if someone gave you $100. Just gave it to you, no strings attached. A gift. In a month, if they came back to you and asked out of curiosity, "What did you buy with the money I gave you?" there would typically be two responses. The person that didn't keep track of their purchases might say, "Oh.. um.. I bought some lunches, and some books... And I might have had some Starbucks in there..." While another person who was more aware of that $100 in their wallet and where it came from might say, "I bought this particular book that I"m halfway through reading and have really enjoyed, I bought lunch on Wednesday at this restaurant, and I bought Starbucks for my friend and I, she had a skinny mocha." If you were the giver of the $100, which of the two people would make you feel like your gift meant more? My vote would be on the second one.
       So I've changed the way I pray. I pray specifically what I've sinned, because I want God to feel like the giver and I am the appreciative recipient. I want Him to know that the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross so that I could be bought with a price means something to me. I want Him to know that the purchase saved me from all of these little sins, not just the big ones. I want Him to know that I am still using that gift daily, and its not sitting idly in the corner (as if that were an option. We're all broken and sin daily, we just decide whether to acknowledge it or not).