Oh those crocodile tears

11.30.13

      On Saturday, I got adventurous and decided to run a few errands when we were back in Dallas. Alex had just gotten a new video game and he wanted to stay home and play it.

      Side note- Yes I "let" my husband play video games whenever he wants to. The reason is two-fold: first off, I don't want to take something away from him that helps him relax. He doesn't do it to an extreme, he doesn't ignore me to play his games, and if I need to talk to him he immediately pauses the game and looks me in the face to talk to me. He's an adult about it, if you know what I mean. Secondly, there was a study that came out a few years ago that RPGs (Role Playing Games) can actually reduce the symptoms of PTSD. Now, Alex hasn't been diagnosed with PTSD and I don't really suspect that he has PTSD, but he also has been through his second deployment and lost his daughter all within the last year. If he needs to replace some of the memories that he has from Afghanistan with graphics from a zombie game, so be it.

    Anyways, So I decided to venture over to Michaels (I needed a new frame for our wedding picture that got broken in The Big Fight) and I needed to go to Sam's club for a few things. Both of these places are in the same strip mall, so I was totally fine with going by myself as I anticipated being back at the house within an hour.
    My trip to Michaels was pretty uneventful. I found a really pretty new frame that fits in well with our decor in the bedroom. It was pretty crowded, but not awful.
    Then I went to Sam's. I didn't expect there to be as many kids out as there were. I walked through the isles and picked up the few things I needed and then I heard the cry. It was a young cry, I knew it was a baby. My stomach felt like I got punched. I closed my eyes and did some deep breathing; I wasn't about to let myself loose it in the middle of Sam's club.
     I walked up and down the isles again looking for the few things I had come to the store for. Then I saw her. She was probably about a year old with blonde hair and a pink jumpsuit on. She was crying in earnest and had twisted herself in the infant seat all the way around so that she was looking over the front of the cart at me. Her eyes met mine as she cried, and one big crocodile tear ran down the bridge of her nose and into the cart. Her dad was pushing the cart and he was rubbing on her back trying to console her.
     I pretty much had a panic attack. I kept walking to the produce section, but I was breathing really fast trying to keep myself from completely falling apart. I probably walked around the produce section three or four times trying to calm down. Finally, I decided to try to go check out and go home where I could cry in peace.
     I waited in the line to check out and who would get in the line next to me but little miss crocodile tears. I can tell you this was the most uncomfortable situation I have probably ever been in. I was sitting there blinking back the tears and trying to look anywhere but at this crying baby girl. The lady checking out the line was moving slower than Christmas. It was really, really hard for me not to yell at her, "Can we just hurry it up please?!" She tried to make small talk with me as she scanned my items, but I just gave her one word answers. My eyes were brimming with tears, and above all I was embarrassed. I don't cry in front of people very often, and I don't ever cry in front of strangers.
     As soon as I was out of the store, the wave of tears hit. I started crying really hard as I loaded all my groceries in the back of the car. I cried the whole way home, and when I came in the back door, Alex was there waiting with a bear hug. He let me just cry on his shoulder as I told him the story of crocodile tears and how badly I missed Kaitlyn. I wanted so badly to hear my daughter's voice. I wanted to hear her scream like she was suppose to when she made her entrance into the world. I wanted to hold her as she cried and rub on her little back to console her.
     The one thought that has comforted me this whole time is that I know that Kaitlyn isn't crying. She's not sad, she's not hurting. She's sitting by our maker and maybe when we are in a good place she is looking down on us.