And we know why you're ok

11.22.13

      On Friday, I worked back at my home base hospital with the physician who came to see us in the hospital the night of Kaitlyn's stillbirth (I always struggle with what to write there... her birth? her death? Everything in between). I was talking to him a little bit about my conversation with my friend's husband about his faith and our faith, and this doctor just stopped what he was doing and hugged on me.
      "What happened to you was awful. But I am so glad that you are okay." He said, "And we know why you're okay, don't we?" Yes, yes we do.

      The next day was special for us: I had made plans with Jenny and Alex and Chad were going to spend the day together. We decided to all meet down at this little breakfast stop to see each other and then swap cars around.
       Alex and I had been in an ongoing discussion about Christmas for the past few months. My grandma is turning 80 in December, and part of me really really wants to go and celebrate with her, but a part of me is also dreading being around everyone again. Not that my family has ever done anything but support me, but being around Ash's kids and now Sam's little boy is going to be incredibly, incredibly hard. I'm not really sure if I can handle it, but that good news is I don't have to make that decision today.
      As we were driving over to meet Chad and Jenny, I told Alex that my mom had offered to book us a fight to and from Houston over the weekend of the big shindig. He was dead silent after I told him. Didn't say a word. Those of you who know my husband, you know that this can either mean that he is pissed or that he is really trying to think about his words before he lets them come flying out of his mouth.
       "I'm just not sure where I'll be at that point." He said (and he wasn't talking about physically). I immediately backed off and said, "That's okay. We don't have to make any kind of decision or commitment right now. I just would rather book the tickets and be able to cancel them when we need to versus having to book them last minute and pay a lot more." We kind of just left it at that, but we both knew that the decision to go to Houston isn't going to be an easy one. Things will be different because there will always be a missing part of us.
         Kaitlyn will never be restored to us on this earth. I was joking with a friend the other day that I know that God is never going to wake up one morning (if he ever sleeps...) and say, "Oh crap! I didn't mean to take Amy and Alex's baby! I meant to take this baby over here..." God doesn't make mistakes. He knew exactly what he was doing when he allowed this to happen to me and Alex. I don't know for sure what the plan is, but then if I knew everything about God he wouldn't be much of a God, now would he?