First day back at work

11.13.13

       I wish I could tell you it all stuck. I wish I could tell you I woke up and felt zero anxiety and nothing but confidence and courage. But I would be lying to you. And for those of you who read this and are going through a similar situation, I want you to know that riding the waves of mourning is normal.
       I woke up the next morning scared witless. I didn't want to go back to work. I didn't want to get back into the routine. I was scared that I wouldn't have time to write and get my emotions out. I was worried about how tired I was going to be, and how I was going to be able to handle the questions and comments. I cried when I put on my makeup. I knew I was going to wear waterproof mascara anyways, but I had a hard time even getting it on. My stomach was in knots and I didn't know if I would be able to keep anything down or not.
      On Tuesday, I had written out verses to help me get my mind ready for the questions of faith. I had written out one more notecard and taped it to the back door at eye level. It read:

"For the spirit God age us does not make us timid, 

but gives us power, love, and self-discipline."

2 Timothy 1:7

Let it start in the circle.

      The last sentence was a reference to Pricilla Shirer's Gideon study. The first video that I watched ended with her saying that if we want to be courageous, we have to start with ourselves. She had drawn a line on the floor of the stage she was leading from and said, "It has to start in the circle." I stared at that card for a good minute before I could force myself to leave the house. It was one step at a time.

       You may think I am being dramatic, but I promise you I am not. I was seriously in a bad place because I was allowing my fear of what it was going to be like to cripple me. I'm not proud of it, but I need to be real. I need to be honest with my lack of courage.

       I pulled into the garage at the hospital where I have spend 90% of my time for the last five years. These were the people who loved me enough to come show their support on a Saturday for me and Alex. I was excited and terrified to see them. I thought it was going to be impossible for me to see everyone and not be brought back to the place I was when we had the memorial service. Kate had warned me to be sure to give myself grace, and to plan on pizza and pjs when I got done with work. I read through my notecards one more time before getting out of the car.

      The hospital has a valet and the guy who is usually there is named Bennie. I've seen Bennie read his Bible and do different devotionals during down time, and sometimes I've caught him with his eyes closed praying. We have exchanged the usual "hi" and "bye" and on occasion I would ask him what book he is reading and if he liked it. As I walked into the building, Bennie said, "Well hey, Amy! How is everyone? Baby doing ok?" God bless America. I stopped dead in my tracks and waited. My programmed response wasn't in my head, but I was able to get out, "She didn't make it." And Bennie got the horrified look on his face and said, "Oh I'm so sorry." "Its okay," I replied as I continued on in the building.

     I had done some recon work on Tuesday night, and David had told me that he was going to be at the same hospital that day. I found him in the waiting area of the lab I visit and I told him playfully, "Dang it, I can't even get in the building on the first day back without getting the question." David's eyes got big and he said, "Who said something already?" "Bennie", I replied. "Bennie never says more than three words to anyone! What the heck?!" David responded with shock. I just laughed at him because David is sometimes a little oblivious to everyone around him. 

      I started the rounds of seeing all of the nurses. Most of them said, "Its really good to see you back." and that was it. It was a tremendous relief to not have people giving me sad eyes or to have people asking questions. I found out later that one of my coworkers had sat down with the lab manager and drafted an email to all the employees asking that they not ask questions and that something great to say to me was, "We're glad to have you back." I am so incredibly thankful for their sensitivity to my emotional state, and I am glad to say that even though I started out rocky, I was able to make it through the day and not cry. I hate crying in front of people (even though every single one of these people had seen me sob at the memorial service). That first day was full of grace and mercy, but there were still some mountains for me to climb in the coming days.