On Saturday, we went out to Canton Trade Days with Jenny and had a great time! The place was completely packed, and we came home with some really good finds and had sushi with our two best friends. Here's a picture of me and Jenny rockin' our old lady trolleys at the Trade Days:
Next time we are going to be pros at negotiation and rollin' with the wheels!
Sunday was pretty uneventful. We went to church and heard a great lesson about hearing God's Voice (watch it here), and felt renewed as we usually do when we leave.
Monday I had some house duties to attend to, so nothing really exciting there either. Tuesday I came down with a stomach bug and spent the large amount of the day in bed trying to sleep it off. I had an appointment with Kate that day, and I was really upset about not getting to go talk to her that day.
Wednesday was interesting. In the last few months of pregnancy I registered for a benefit through our insurance where a nurse will call you every couple of weeks to check to see how the pregnancy is going and see if you have any questions. My nurse's name is Pat, and we had connected the day before my post op visit with Dr. L. Pat is really sweet, and she was shocked to hear that Kaitlyn was no longer with us. She asked the typical questions about how we were doing with everything, and also asked if we had decided to have an autopsy done or not.
Pat called me on Wednesday to again just check on me and see if there was anything she could do for us. Of course, there is nothing anyone can ever do or say to make this better, but we talked for a few minutes about me going back to work and the holidays coming up. Pat said, "The holidays are going to be hard... And anytime you see a child that is around Kaitlyn's age it will make you sad." To this, I kind of had to laugh. I told her that two of my cousins were also pregnant, one giving birth to her daughter in February and the other who was set to deliver the next week. For the rest of my life, I will be surrounded by two very beautiful children who Kaitlyn would have loved growing up with.
For some reason, I decided that I needed to text Ash (the older of the two sisters who were pregnant and the mom who had given birth in February) to see how Sam was doing (the younger of the two who was about 38 weeks along). I don't really know why I didn't just text Sam directly, but I decided to go through Ash. Ash confirmed what I had been thinking: of course Sam was anxious about getting William out safely, and she had scheduled an induction 5 days before her actual due date to try to get him here a little earlier.
Then Ash used a phrase that really surprised me; she told me that Sam was really struggling with Survivor's Guilt. Even as I write that, I feel my stomach drop a little bit. I don't want that for my cousin. I don't want her to feel guilty, or bad, or responsible (how in the world could she feel that?) for Kaitlyn. I hated that she felt that way, and it bothered me the whole rest of the day. I wanted to fly to Houston and take her face in my hands and tell her that everything was going to be okay. That William was going to get here just fine (we use to joke that our family would have a William and a Kate, just like the royal couple). I needed to make her understand that. I don't know how to explain it, but I knew in my heart and my gut that God was not going to ask this of another member of our family. I knew that William was going to get here just fine, and I didn't want my cousin to worry for a whole week before he got here and gave his first welcoming cry. I wanted to fix it for her. I wanted to help her not worry.
Monday I had some house duties to attend to, so nothing really exciting there either. Tuesday I came down with a stomach bug and spent the large amount of the day in bed trying to sleep it off. I had an appointment with Kate that day, and I was really upset about not getting to go talk to her that day.
Wednesday was interesting. In the last few months of pregnancy I registered for a benefit through our insurance where a nurse will call you every couple of weeks to check to see how the pregnancy is going and see if you have any questions. My nurse's name is Pat, and we had connected the day before my post op visit with Dr. L. Pat is really sweet, and she was shocked to hear that Kaitlyn was no longer with us. She asked the typical questions about how we were doing with everything, and also asked if we had decided to have an autopsy done or not.
Pat called me on Wednesday to again just check on me and see if there was anything she could do for us. Of course, there is nothing anyone can ever do or say to make this better, but we talked for a few minutes about me going back to work and the holidays coming up. Pat said, "The holidays are going to be hard... And anytime you see a child that is around Kaitlyn's age it will make you sad." To this, I kind of had to laugh. I told her that two of my cousins were also pregnant, one giving birth to her daughter in February and the other who was set to deliver the next week. For the rest of my life, I will be surrounded by two very beautiful children who Kaitlyn would have loved growing up with.
For some reason, I decided that I needed to text Ash (the older of the two sisters who were pregnant and the mom who had given birth in February) to see how Sam was doing (the younger of the two who was about 38 weeks along). I don't really know why I didn't just text Sam directly, but I decided to go through Ash. Ash confirmed what I had been thinking: of course Sam was anxious about getting William out safely, and she had scheduled an induction 5 days before her actual due date to try to get him here a little earlier.
Then Ash used a phrase that really surprised me; she told me that Sam was really struggling with Survivor's Guilt. Even as I write that, I feel my stomach drop a little bit. I don't want that for my cousin. I don't want her to feel guilty, or bad, or responsible (how in the world could she feel that?) for Kaitlyn. I hated that she felt that way, and it bothered me the whole rest of the day. I wanted to fly to Houston and take her face in my hands and tell her that everything was going to be okay. That William was going to get here just fine (we use to joke that our family would have a William and a Kate, just like the royal couple). I needed to make her understand that. I don't know how to explain it, but I knew in my heart and my gut that God was not going to ask this of another member of our family. I knew that William was going to get here just fine, and I didn't want my cousin to worry for a whole week before he got here and gave his first welcoming cry. I wanted to fix it for her. I wanted to help her not worry.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.