Acquaintances

11.19.13

    On Tuesday I returned back to my home base hospital; the one where everyone knew what had happened and everyone was sensitive about our loss. I was relieved to be back because I knew that I had already been here once so the ice breaker was already out of the way.
    Or so I thought. I was standing in line in the cafeteria when one of the RNs from the OR saw me. I worked in the OR on occasion with my previous job, so she hadn't seen me in a little while but knew I was pregnant. She said, "Oh good! You had your baby! Everyone doing ok?" Here comes the one-liner, "No, hun, she didn't make it." I kid you not, this sweet nurse stood there and cried next to me in line. She hugged on me and said, "I am so sorry I asked." Well hell! If everything had gone according to my plan then I would have been mad at her for not asking! I patted her on the back and told her I appreciated her thoughts. I wanted to sit there and hash out her grief with her, but I remembered what Kate had said about just letting everyone else deal with things the way they needed to deal with them and to focus on my own grief for now. Ugh ok.
     Then I went to the checkout. The girl at the register recognized me and said, "Oh did you have your baby?!" Again with the tagline, "No, she didn't make it." And again, "I'm so sorry to hear that."
     At this point, my emotions were so raw from the previous day but also from my session with Kate. I was on the verge of a meltdown right there in the dang cafeteria. I went and sat in the booth and one of my coworkers came to sit with me. About that time another staff member who I had worked with walked by. Her name is Cece and she is one of the sweetest people! She has had two little boys since I have lived in Dallas, and the first time I realized she was pregnant she was actually about 7 months along and was tickled that I hadn't noticed before. She came over to the table and leaned down and looked at my belly and said with glee, "You're not pregnant anymore!" Oh. My. Gosh. The tears welled up and I said, "Oh girl, she went to be with Jesus." And then I cried. Right there in the middle of the stupid cafeteria. She hugged on me and said, "I am so sorry, I'll leave you alone." Crap. I didn't want her to leave me alone, I didn't need to be alone. I just needed to cry for a minute.
      At that point my territory manager meandered into the cafeteria and sat down with us. I was finished with my moment of tears and I told her, "Okay I'm done this week. Can I just not go to anymore 'new' hospitals this week?" And she said, "Of course, whatever you need."

But my plans never really work out the way I think they should.