I had met a girl named Allison through a mutual friend on Sunday that week. She was the girl that had emailed me about a week or two after Kaitlyn passed away and told me that she had lost her baby at 37 weeks and how isolated she felt since nobody else she knew had lost their baby so close to delivery. We met up, and I listened to her story and she listened to mine. She told me to call her anytime, and she is one of my favorite people that I've come in contact with since all this happened.
On that Thursday, Allison sent me a text that said, "I'm sorry, but tonight is probably going to suck for you. I'm praying for you." I thought it was really sweet that she had thought of me, but I didn't really feel like it was going to be a bad night. Had I bought a Halloween outfit for Kailtyn? Sure, but I hadn't really thought about that much. She was going to be a bumblebee and I was going to get one of those dog cones for our big dog and have her be a flower. Instead, Alex and I had picked up little costumes for the dogs, and way too much candy for the number of kids that are in our neighborhood.
One of the first trick-or-treaters was our neighbor that has an 18 month old little girl. I don't even remember what she was wearing, but I remember feeling really sad when I saw her on her Mom's hip when I opened the door. We probably only had about 5 doorbell rings that night, maybe a grand total of 12 kids or so. It wasn't until later that I started feeling bad. Alex and I had gone to bed- or rather he had gone to bed and I was up reading a book (just a murder mystery, nothing significant at all), and I couldn't get sleepy. I don't even know if I can pinpoint exactly what it was, but I just felt bad. I kept feeling the tears well up behind my eyes and I wanted to go cry. I didn't want to wake Alex up since he had been traveling this week and had a long work week. So I quietly snuck out of bed and went into Kaitlyn's room.
Our house is laid out with the master bedroom on the opposite side of the house from the two smaller rooms and guest bathroom. Kaitlyn's nursery is directly across from the bathroom, so I snuck in and turned the light on in the bathroom before I opened the door to the nursery.
I hadn't been in the nursery since that previous Monday during the day light. It was so quiet and dark except for the little egg temperature measurer that shows if the room is too hot or too cold (I'm telling you, I was prepared for this child!). The glow of the egg lit my way past the strollers, crib, carseat, and all the boxes and books that were stacked against the wall in the room. I curled myself up in the glider and just cried. I just let the sadness overcome me. I'm really surprised I didn't wake Alex up. I was completely alone in her room since neither of the dogs had followed me (lazy things). I just fell apart. I cried over the carseat (again), over the strollers, over the missing weight of my daughter in my arms. I cried over the changing table, and the quiet in the room. I cried over the breath that should have been coming from the crib. I cried over all the junk that was crowding her room, it should have been clear except for the everyday things that were being used. I cried over the bib that was cheetah print with a big hot pink "K" on the center. I just cried. I gave into the sadness.
There was a song that Kate had shared with me the day before called Beautiful Things by Gungor. The chorus is really hauntingly catchy, and the lyrics kept playing in my head:
All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new
You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)
You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of us
(You are making me new, making me new)
Oh, you make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
After about 20 minutes, I got up. I went and cleaned my face up a little bit in the bathroom, and then I went and laid down next to Alex. I buried my face in his back and fell asleep, knowing that when I woke up in the morning I was going to feel better. I knew that I had just needed to cry, and I was glad that I gave myself permission to go and sit and feel all those emotions in the privacy of the dark.
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