Random Thoughts

     Over the course of writing, I have had a lot of random things come into my head that just didn't "fit" in a blog post. So now I am creating one specifically for that.

     Christmas is 8 weeks away. I have always loved sending our Christmas cards and receiving Christmas cards from coworkers, school friends, and family, and I was really looking forward to sending out our first "Family" Christmas card this year. I already had a photo session booked with the lady who was going to do our newborn pictures. I want to send out something this year, but I also don't want to make people start bawling their eyes out when they get it. I don't want to be Debbie Downer, and I want people to know that Alex and I are coping and hoping through this season of our lives. I don't know what we should put on our Christmas card, or if we should do a generic card that I can get at Walmart. In the past, we've used our engagement pictures and our wedding pictures, and I would like to stick with a picture of us looking somewhat happy (Hopeful? Hopeful is a better word). I know it's silly, but it just always made me happy to sit and address cards to people that I care about. I even bought one of those stamps with our return address on it, and I was really looking forward to using that.

    Future kiddos. Where do I begin on this one. I know that God is going to bless us with another kiddo, but my mind keeps wandering to the place of how we are going to handle Kaitlyn with the little one. What I mean is, do you tell your kid that they had a big sister? Or do you just kind of... act like it didn't happen? I know that this is a ways down the line, but I can't help sitting and thinking about what the "right" way to handle that situation is. Most of the other moms who have been in support groups that I attend have told their younger kids about their stillbirth, but I just don't want our kid to grow up sad that they never met her. How would that kid respond to "Are you an only child?" "How many siblings do you have?" "Where do you fall in the birth order?" Do we really want our kid to feel awkward or obligated to tell everyone they meet about their sister that didn't make it? Again, I know that this isn't something that we'll have to deal with tomorrow, but its just something that I think about when I'm by myself or day dreaming about our next child.

    "Kaitlyn's your little angel now." Okay here's my vent on theology for the day: my daughter is not an angel, she is a child of God.These are two very, very different creatures in theology world. Angels are servants of God with no free will. Children of God (read: every last breathing person on this planet) are given the privilege and responsibility of free will. We are not forced to serve God, we are not numb to the choices of good and evil. We make a conscious choice every day for what or who we chose to serve every single day. My child was welcomed into Heaven as the true daughter of God she is, and it irks me a little when people call her an angel. Think of it as a Father rejoicing over their daughter vs. their feelings towards a slave. There is no comparison. I know that Kaitlyn is in heaven, and I also know that my God was so incredibly excited to see her even though she was only away from him a short time.

     People have said to me, "When you get to heaven you can ask God why this happened." Listen to this: when I get to heaven, it is not going to matter. Don't get me wrong, it hurts so badly right now and I miss my daughter every second. I miss the weight of her, the smell of her (even though she didn't smell like a baby should), and running my fingers through all that hair. I ache for what could have been, and all the dreams I had of her and who I knew her to be. But when I get to heaven, I won't be asking God why something happened on earth. I know that every life has ripple effects, and I can already see parts of what God is doing. When I get to heaven, I hope He shows me all the people that Kaitlyn touched, and how her short life has weaved into His perfect plan and was the catalyst for people who were on the fence about Christ to cross over into a relationship with Him. I hope that God shows me every person who read this blog, and how His comfort and peace in me has helped others. That is what I hope for when I am finally in heaven with my baby girl. I just imagine her sitting on my lap (she is always a toddler in my mind) as we watch God show us what all He did through our story. Its not really a "why" this happened, its more of a "look how I used you to complete my perfect plan." That, my friends, is totally awesome.