Living for Zachary

10.26.13

      There's an organization in north Dallas that was started in remembrance for one of the football players at the high school who had died from a sudden cardiac arrest. At my old job, we were pretty heavily involved with the Living for Zachary organization, and they had a 5k run/walk the last weekend in October. I had signed Alex up for the run and me/K up for the walk in the last few weeks that Alex was in Afghanistan. I was super excited to get the BOB stroller because it was suppose to be the best one for exercising with a baby, so of course I wanted that stroller to have to go to the run with for K and I to walk and Alex could run and then come find us. I had plans.
      After Kaitlyn passed away, I debated for a long time about whether we would still do the run or not. I knew that a lot of the people who worked for one of my main hospitals would be there (and a LOT of those people had showed up for Kaitlyn's memorial service), and I thought it would be a good idea to go get some of those "first" sightings after the memorial service over with when I wasn't obligated to be at work. However, I'm not going to act like that was an easy decision. I wanted to see people, but I didn't want to see people. I wasn't sure how they would treat me. Granted, all these individuals are in health care, so they have seen death through their work, but this was different.
       I texted one of the anesthesiologists that I knew would be walking the race instead of running it since she had talked to me about it before I stopped working. She had also come up to the hospital the day after Kaitlyn died. I asked if she would mind meeting up before hand so that when Alex went off to run I wouldn't be standing around awkwardly by myself. She said of course, and let me know there was actually a group of them all going to walk together. Once again, good thing and bad thing at the same time.
       On Saturday morning, we all met up in the parking lot down the street from where the race was going to be. The first person I saw was a physician that I have done a handful of cases with since I have been in Dallas. The irony here is that she had actually called me earlier in the week just to offer her condolences, and I really appreciated that. When I got out of the car, she came and gave me a big hug and I introduced her to Alex (who she also hugged). Then we sat and chatted for a little bit while we waited for everyone else to get there. I was relieved that at least this one doc was talking to us normally, asking about what Alex did in the army and what his plans were for after his contract was up. One of the nurses and the anesthesiologist I had texted showed up a few minutes later, and we all decided to start walking down to where the race would start. It was threatening to drizzle on us the whole day, but luckily by the time the race started up it was just overcast without the rain drops.
      As we got to the start up line, a group of nurses met up with us and everyone just hugged on both Alex and I. One of the nurse's husband was also signed up to run the timed race, so he and Alex went and got into their starting positions. Okay, first time in a crowd without Alex standing right next to me. I'm going to admit once again that I was pretty anxious. I didn't like the idea of being by myself, even with this group of people I knew and had done nothing but support us over the previous weeks. I had a lump in my throat a couple of times while we waited for our turn to walk, but once we started walking it seemed to lessen a bit.
       Now, I had really only signed up for the 1 mi walk because I was suppose to have a newborn with me and when I had originally signed up for the race my mom thought I was a nutcase because this was a mere 5 weeks and some change after my c-section. Before Kaitlyn was born, though, I regularly walked our dog a mile every single day. So I thought this would be a piece of cake. WRONG. When we reached the 1 mile turn around, nobody acted like they were going to turn around... So I had to decide if I was going to go back and sit and wait by myself, or if I was going to try to push through and do the 5k. The thought of sitting by myself scared me, so forward it was. I'm happy to report that I finished that whole race (granted, in a little under an hour, which is slow for me), and that I had some really good conversations with people as we walked.
       I have been asked by quite a few people what I am doing "for myself" these days. My answer is always the same: I am writing. I write when I feel down, or when I feel like I want to tell more of the story. I write to help myself heal. I write to share my struggles and also my triumphs with others.