Separated by service

10.14.13 (Columbus Day)

      It was time for Alex to leave. I was completely nauseous with the thought of being away from him, both because I didn't want to be without him and because I didn't want him to be without me. My husband is strong (obviously), but I didn't want him to have to be strong. There were a few reasons that I needed to come back to Dallas, the most pressing was having our first post-op visit with Dr. L on Thursday, and I had arranged to see a counselor on Wednesday. Plus, we had decided to leave Kaitlyn's ashes at the house while we were gone- a completely gut wrenching decision to make because it just felt wrong leaving her "by herself" (even though we all know she's not really here), but I also nearly threw-up at the thought of having her in El Paso and something happening to her. Like in the movies where somebody breaks an urn and then vacuums up the ashes, not knowing that they are somebody's remains. So we had decided to leave her in Dallas and let Jenny's bunny guard her while we were gone.

     Being in a long distance marriage is tough. It is not for the faint of heart, or people who are unsure of who they are marrying. I can tell you that everyone who finds out that we don't live together on a daily basis looks at me with complete shock and says, "Isn't that hard?" Of course it is, but Alex is worth it. We had dated when we were 15 years old, and he was always the guy that I compared every other boyfriend to secretly. Nobody could ever match up or exceed him, but we had lost contact after we graduated from high school. When he found me on facebook (Yay social media!) 5 years ago, I knew if he was even half of the man he use to be I was going to marry him. Not only was he the same, he was better. We were engaged before we had even been together a year.

     Alex and I are pros at saying goodbye to each other. Not only have we done it ever Sunday night for our entire relationship, but we've also been through the deployment goodbyes twice. This time was different, though. I was scared of what was going to happen with me emotionally when he left. He had been my buffer through all this, and he was my rock that was available whenever I needed him. I didn't want to sleep without him by my side, and I didn't want him to be lonely in El Paso, either. But this was inevitable. Eventually, I was going to have to get back to work in Dallas, and he was going to have to work out his contract with the army in El Paso. We decided to stick with our plan and not chicken out (there was talk of me going back to El Paso with him and just flying back to Dallas for the appointments, but I wasn't comfortable flying just yet). Plus, Alex was going to be able to come to Dallas 48 hours later to be with me for the OB appt so it was just a little while before I would get to see him again. Kind of like being weaned off of his presence.

     That first night alone was awful. I couldn't sleep. I usually go to bed and pass out, but I just couldn't. The room was too quiet. My dog wasn't snoring next to me. My husband didn't have his arm around my stomach. I cried. I missed Kaitlyn even more at this point. I missed feeling her move inside me when I laid on my side- she was always active when it was time to go to bed. I missed my big pregnant belly; I didn't want the flabby stomach I had been left with. I think I refreshed my facebook page about a bazillion times that night, begging for somebody to write something that was new that I could read. Funny thing is, most people tend to sleep at night and not worry about entertaining other people (dang it). I felt completely alone. I stared at the ceiling. I stared at the curtains. I waited for somebody to say something, anything. I hated being alone.