First real outing

    On Wednesday, I had an appointment with my hair stylist named Sassy. She's one of the nicest, beautiful and sincere people I have ever met. I love going to see her because we always have a good time while she makes me over.

    On the way out to see her, I decided I needed to call my cousin Holly. Holly is Sheila's big sister, and I had been worried about her ever since Kaitlyn died. She had decided to drive down to Dallas from Oklahoma that morning, and it was neat because she wanted to be here the day Kaitlyn was born since she had been there for her other two niece's births in Houston. Holly didn't make it to see or hold Kaitlyn that morning, and I really think that was God protecting her. I was worried about all the emotions and memories that seeing Kaitlyn might have brought up for her, and I called to check in with her.
    We talked about how Holly had been that week that we were in the hospital, and she told me that she kind of had a delayed reaction to everything. She said she hadn't cried at all that week (I didn't remember that), but once she got home with just her and her husband, it all hit her. She said at one point, "I'm just so mad for you!" I told Holly she can't be mad. Being mad is like a gateway drug to everything else you could be (truly angry with God, jealous, "this isn't fair mentality", etc). I had told Kate the previous day that I don't think I have actually gone through a mad phase, or if I was in it I wasn't in it for very long. I just don't see the point in being mad at God. Its not going to bring her back, its not like God is going to say, "Oh I've made a terrible mistake let me go back and fix that." And the bigger point here is that God has already blessed my life at this point to give me a glimpse of what He is going to do with our story. I had a dear friend of mine call me one day to tell me that she reads this blog every day, and she and her husband were at Kaitlyn's memorial service. She said to me, "Amy, I felt the physical presence of God that day at Hope. I can't explain it, but I just know that God is going to do something amazing with your story." This is a friend I hadn't talked to in a while, and she just called me out of the blue one day to tell me that.
    Anyways, I sat and talked to Holly for a little while before I went in to see Sassy. I sat in the waiting area for a few minutes before Sassy came out, and as soon as she did, she gave me the biggest hug and just said, "I've been thinking about you, and I'm so sorry." Of course this just made me cry out a few tears, and she did the same before patting me on the back and saying, "Come on, we're going to have a good day today." And so we did.

      We were talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. We talked a little bit about Kaitlyn and what happened that day, and Sassy told me she'd been reading along with me. Again, another person who said, "I'm just so mad for you!" and I told her the same thing I'd told Holly: you can't be mad. I would love to tell you that being mad is okay, but honestly if I'm not mad then you can't be mad on my behalf. Sassy just laughed at me and said, "I knew you were going to come out here and teach me something." My sweet friend finished up my hairdo (which looked absolutely fabulous, by the way), and showed me out the door. I was so excited that I actually looked like I was okay, and that really made me feel good. I just felt better. If you've gone through a loss, I highly recommend going to get a haircut from somebody you love. It will totally help your mood and give you something positive to look at in the mirror.


    After I left Sassy's, I went home to get ready for my Bible study meeting that night. I was excited but also kinda bummed because I didn't get to finish that week's homework, so I knew I wouldn't be as prepared as I usually am.
     Like I've said before, the Gideon study by Priscilla Shirer is part video and part group work. I was always a little nervous about her videos because I knew that God had used them to speak to me the last few times I had watched them. I knew that there was something great to be heard, but I was also really nervous about having a cryfest in the middle of Bible study (not that there is anything wrong with that, but I just feel like I would rather have my productive cries in the safety of my own home with no witnesses but the dog).
     And of course, God used the study to meet me again where I was. This week, Priscilla talked about winning the battles in our life. One of the bullet points we all wrote down was to "Face the battle with a stance of victory." Okay, God, I'm listening. Priscilla went on to tell the story of a young lady she knew when she was just a teenager through her church. The girl had some kind of disease where her entire body seized up until she eventually passed away. Priscilla tells the story of the girl's funeral, and how much it had affected her and her friends to watch one of their friends pass away.
     And then Priscilla told what she remembered about the girl's mom. She told the story of the mom getting up in the middle of the funeral and pacing in front of her daughter's casket, thanking God for her life. She said, "Thank you, God, for my first born. Thank you for letting her be here as long as she was. Thank you for letting me be her mom." As you can imagine, as Priscilla is telling this beautiful story of thanks in the middle of such sorrow, I am sitting there with tears streaming down my face. That's who I want to be. I want to be like that mom that says in front of her daughter's body, "Thank you, God."

 Thank you for her life.

 Thank you for allowing our family to be used by you.