Let's give it one more try

10.29.13

     It was Tuesday again, and you know what that means: the church counseling session had come around again. I debated heavily about going back or not, but I finally decided that I should try one more time to be involved in it and see how it went. Who knows, it might be different this week and I would come away really wanting to go back the next week.
     The leader had given us books to read over the week at the last meeting. Its apparently part of this five week series and the first little book is titled A Time to Grieve. The first chapter is about how grieving is normal, necessary, and natural. Are you eye rolling yet? I was. I did not think that this book was normal, necessary, or natural. About halfway through it went through the different relationships that you might have had with the person who passed: spouse, parent, friend, child... Then stillbirths or infant deaths. Each one has a nice little paragraph about grieving for that relationship. Then it has two whole lines about stillbirths. Ironically, it literally says, "Miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant deaths are often minimized by other people." My response to that was, "Yes, like the authors of this book." Anyways, enough sarcasm about that.
      When I walked into the church that evening, I noticed that it was just me and the leader there for a good 5 minutes into the time we were suppose to start. I thought, "Oh great, everyone else had the same feeling about that book that I did and they all decided not to come back." But, luckily they all started to trickle in a little after 7. We all sat down and went over our weeks; who had highs and lows for the week.
      The first 30 minutes again were just going over the book (really?) and then we spent a little time talking about how we were doing. I know that I was suppose to be getting some really good lessons out of this time, but I just didn't feel like I was connecting with anyone there. I didn't feel like I was spending my time wisely, but at the same time I felt guilty for not getting something out of it. Was it okay for me to not go to the church counseling? I wasn't sure I was ready to cut ties just yet.

     The next day, I had a session with Kate where we talked about this. She reminded me that I really only have a finite amount of energy in the day, and that if I don't feel like I am getting valuable healing out of the church group then I shouldn't feel bad about not going back. "Now, if you feel lead by the Holy Spirit that you need to be there, I am certainly not arguing with that. But, you don't need to feel like you have to go just because it is at your church." She said. Okay, I now have permission from an authority person to not go back. Good. I can release the guilt I feel about not getting anything out of it.
     That previous weekend I had gone to the container store to get a little cloth box for all of the things that I had picked out just for Kaitlyn.
      We are pretty thrifty, so not all the things we bought for K were brand new. A lot of them were gently used (as most baby clothes are: they never really stay in one size very long), and a lot of them were gender neutral because I wanted to be able to use them for our future kids, too. All that to say that there are only a few things in her nursery that I really picked out just for her. And of course her Auntie Jenny had provided some absolutely fabulous headgear that is 100% my baby girl. Its like vintage fabulous. So that needed a place to go.
       I had picked out a red box with white polkadots on it at the container store, and I told Kate about it and about my time spent in the nursery that week. I told her about the box for Kaitlyn's stuff, and I said, "That box is just so Kaitlyn" and again, Kate laughed at me and said, "For you to know that, that is something only a Mom knows."
       During that session, Kate and I also talked about the dreams I had for Kaitlyn. That week I had gone and sat in her nursery for the first time, and I just remember how sad I was that I had all these dreams for what we would do together. Kate told me that those memories of the dreams that I had for spending time with Kaitlyn is in essence the relationship I had with Kaitlyn. Even though those memories would never come to be, they were still just as real as if they had happened. We talked about God's authorship, and how He knows the days of each of us before we are even on this earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

      We talked about being cautious to not get caught up in what could have been, because God had never authored that for Kaitlyn. I have sadness when I think of my daughter as a toddler because I always kind of imagined her as a toddler. But I am not sad about her not going to be in high school or college or getting married. I knew when that child was in the womb that she was going to change the world. I imagined her as a president or an executive, but at the same time I imagined her as a photographer or an artsy free spirit. I could feel her personality while she was kicking around inside me, and I just knew that she was going to have an amazing affect on anyone she ever came in contact with. And honestly, I think she's still doing that.