Tate's Funeral (and 10,000 Reasons...)

5.8.14

      On Thursday, Tate's funeral was held at the McKinney campus of Hope Fellowship. Allison had posted that day that Tate's favorite colors were blue and orange, and she requested that everyone wear those colors to his funeral instead of black. I had to work that day, but was able to get off in time to go to the funeral.
       I wore bright blue scrubs to his funeral because I figured Allison wouldn't care one bit.
   
       To be honest, I probably hadn't thought it through. I was about to go to a 4 year old's funeral. By myself. At a branch of our church. The auditoriums were eerily similar.
       I think it finally hit me when I was walking up to the doorways and saw all the limos and the hearse. I stiffened my shoulders and reminded myself that I was here for Allison. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. In I walked to a sea of black, with some splashes of blues and oranges.
       On the way in the door were several pictures of Tate and his sister, and that was about all it took. I quietly found a seat in the back and dug in my purse for my handy travel kleenex pouch. On the screens by the front were pictures of Tate, smiling down with twinkling eyes that look just like his moms.
       And there, at the front of the room was the small white casket that held Tate. I heard later that there were toy trucks sprinkled around it with the flowers and pictures the family had brought. It was so small. The last time I had seen a casket that small was at Sheila's funeral 20+ years ago. Oh, I hurt so badly for my friend.
        Eventually, the family came in from the waiting room to take their place for the service. At the lead was Allison and her husband, and she looked amazing for what she had been through. I know that I had tears streaming down my face with Kaitlyn. But Allison was strong, she held her head high as they found their seats in the first few rows of the auditorium.
       I think two of the live bands from our church had joined together to sing the worship music for Tate. We opened with a few songs I couldn't remember, and then they did a video montage of pictures of sweet Tate. It was a picture of him as a baby that made me cry the hardest because on the picture was written the verse that probably every Hope Mom will ever use for their subsequent children:

"For this child I prayed..." 1 Samuel 1:27

       Watching the pictures of that sweet little boy growing up and smiling happily at his parents behind the camera was hard. One of the songs they played during the slideshow is called "Praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns:

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

       This was actually one of the songs that Alex had recommended when Allison had asked me about songs that helped us get through Kaitlyn (her loss of Tanner had been so long ago, I'm sure she needed a new set of songs to help her grieve Tate separately). I have no idea if she got it from Alex or if someone else recommended it, but I was glad to hear it played at Tate's service.

        The last song we sang was a live version of Matt Redman's 10,000 reasons. We'd sung this song a hundred times at church before, but like all music this song will now forever remind me of Tate and his precious family.

                                          "10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"
                                             

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

[Chorus x2]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

        As the band began to play the song, one by one and then in a wave everyone in the auditorium stood up to sing and remember. Then, even from my seat in the far back, I saw a pair of hands lifted in glory and surrender.
        It took me a few seconds to realize that it was Allison's husband.
        Even now, the image of Tate's dad lifting his hands as he surrenders his second and last son to the Lord makes me cry. The absolute rawness of that moment, and that this man was burying not only his son, but his second son. It takes my breath away.
        But just like his wife, he took the moment of complete and utter despair and turned it over to God. I know that this wasn't his purpose in that physical surrender of lifting his hands, but every person in that auditorium was given a gift that day. They were shown how to grieve, and grieve well. To grieve with the grace that Allison and her husband did... It is still hard for me to even put into words.