Mother's Day

5.11.14

     Mother's day.

     Last year was suppose to be my last mother's day without being a mother. I was suppose to be a "real" mom this year, complete with the cute baby on my hip in the cute outfits.
     Nobody knows what to say to you when you lose a child, and even more so when these milestones roll around. I got one card from a family member for the "soon-to-be" mom. I know, it's one of those really great intentioned things that just feels wrong when you receive it. I didn't know what to say when I opened the card. I just kind of put it back in the envelope and left it on the desk.
     I struggled so badly when we first lost Kaitlyn with the term "mom." I couldn't identify with that description of myself. I wouldn't allow myself to be called a mom because I didn't have a child here. I never changed a dirty diaper or soothed a teething child.
     But I am a mom. Even without the little one growing inside me, I am a mom. I grew a child, I nurtured her every day. I felt her movements and knew the idiosyncrasies of her personality. I could tell you that I knew from very early on that she was going to change the world, but I didn't know how. I could never picture her as a doctor or a lawyer or anything distinctive, but I knew there was something different about her.
      I knew that she was going to be tall. I knew that she was going to have a full head of hair because of all the heart burn she gave me starting almost as quickly as my morning sickness stopped. I knew that she was stubborn, but that she loved to remind me of her presence by rubbing that sweet hard head up against my rib cage. I knew that she was more of a roller than a kicker: I didn't have near the number of kicks with Kaitlyn as I do with this baby, but I would feel these huge rolls and my stomach would shift as she got into a new position.

     I didn't know how I wanted to spend mother's day. I didn't want to be ignored, but I also didn't want to make a big deal out of it. After all, Kaitlyn's life wasn't written for her to be here on mother's day. So instead, I spent the day writing. I wrote about my daughter and all of the things she had meant to me. I wrote about our second baby and how this pregnancy has been in comparison to Kaitlyn's.
     I just remembered my daughter. I took the time I needed, which was pretty much all Sunday afternoon, and remembered all of the things that made me a mom. And I was extremely glad that it was just me and Alex. We just took the day hour by hour, and talked about our sweet girl and all the hope we had for the next baby.