Feeling Helpless

5.5.14

     After a night of restless sleep where I thought about Allison and her family, I woke up feeling groggy and tired. I finally understood a part of what everyone else had experienced when we lost Kaitlyn. There's this feeling of helplessness and not knowing what (if anything) to do to help. I wanted to run to Allison's house and wrap my arms around her, but like I said we weren't best friends or anything and I certainly didn't want to invade her grief.
     I decided I would send her a text with a verse on it, because after all in that moment of complete darkness sometimes the only light we have comes from Jesus.

"I'm worn out from groaning. Every night I drench my bed

with tears; I soak my couch all the way through. My vision

fails because of my grief; it's weak because of all my distress.

Get away from me, all you evildoers, because the Lord has heard me crying!

The Lord has listened to my request. 

The Lord accepts my prayer."

Psalms 6:6-9 Common English Bible

      Allison wrote back and thanked me, but also begged for prayers. She said she was lost, and that she could not explain the grief. She felt hopeless.
   
     Even having Kaitlyn taken suddenly, I didn't know what to say to Allison. There is such a line of "things that are okay" and "did that really just come out of your mouth" in the middle of grief, and I was hyper sensitive to that since we had some people say some pretty outrageous things to us in those first weeks. So instead, I just kept pointing her back to Jesus. Because I don't have the answer. Because nothing I can say will ever make her feel better. Nothing I can do will ever ease the pain of losing her son.

     But I also wanted to do more, so I reached out to two people that I knew would have some wisdom in this matter.
     The first was my Aunt Sondra, the mother of my cousin Sheila that passed away when she was two and I was eight.

Me: Hey Aunt Sondra- I have a friend that lost her first baby just like we lost Kaitlyn and yesterday she found her 5 year old accidentally hung himself on his bunk bed. They have one more little girl who is about 2-3, and I was wondering if you remember anyone giving Holly [my cousin, who was about 3 when her sister died]  anything that helped her when Sheila died. I know she somewhat already knows about death because they talk about their first baby openly, but this is so different because they were play buddies. I'm taking the mom some stuff, but she told me she is already struggling with how to be a good parent to her remaining child. It's just awful.
      I would have called you, but I have been crying yesterday since I heard and I am trying not to start up again. Allison is the mom and she is just amazing. I can't imagine her pain.

Aunt Sondra: Oh my gosh Ames! That's terrible!! No, I iddn't have anything; we were always open, honest, did a lot of praying and a lot of listening/talking with her [Holly]. Looking back I think we failed her by not getting counseling for her and us! I would advise finding a good Christian counselor for that precious child and her whole family. I will be praying for them.

Me: Thank you, I love you very much! Thanks for being open and available for me to talk to

Aunt Sondra: Anytime- you could have called; we could have cried together!

      My family is amazing. I loved that my aunt sympathized so much with Allison and that she was open to sharing her regrets about her grief with Sheila. But I also felt like I wanted more... I needed to do something. So I would try one more place.
      I texted my friend Jan who had been such a friend to me and had given me my favorite gift for remembering Kaitlyn: my silver bracelet that has her name engraved on the inside.

Me: Hi sweet friend- I need to pick your brain and heart for a minute> one of my friends who lost her first born like we lost Kaitlyn found her 5 year old yesterday accidentally hung in his bunkbed and he passed away. I am at a loss how to best love on her- burying her second child, I can't imagine. They have one more child who is 2.5, and I was wondering if you have any thougths on a gift that would just provide some comfort for them. The bracelets you gave mom and I were so special to me (I still wear mine every day), but I don't know if that's appropriate.

Jan: OMG!! I am overwhelmed with sadness for these people! How well do you know them? Question being what I am thinking is a little expenseive.

Me: I couldn't consider myself a close friend, but we check in with each other fairly frequently. Tell me your thought, I could get a few people to chip in.

Jan: Oh great! Are they Christians?

Me: Yes ma'am! They got ot my church

Jan: And do you want to have the bracelet all to yourself?

Me: I love it too much to be that selfish! Do you think she would like a bracelet like ours?

Jan: I love it and wear mine because I NEED the reminder. Ok then get that bracelet for the recent death and tell her to get it engraved with both their names.
       Would you like me to visit them?

Me: I definitely love to hook you up when the smoke clears- right now they have a lot of family in town. I think she would really appreciate talking to another mom who lost after having their child here for a while.

Jan: Ok, so very very sad!

Me: Agreed. You will absolutely love her, but she told me this morning she feels like she has absolutely nothing left.

Jan: Yes, after everyone is gone and she sits alone...

Me: Yes ma'am. That's what I told her. I will take her dinner one night in a couple of weeks and either listen or talk about things that don't matter- whatever she needs.