6 months (Part I) [updated]

3.18.14

     Six months. It had been six months since we held Kaitlyn in the hospital room, crying over her lifeless body and completely traumatized by the events of that morning. So much life had happened in six months.
      I had taken the day off, not truly realizing what day it was, but I had committed to helping the morning Bible studies with their Hope Box gatherings at church. I'm so glad that I did, because that morning, I was a complete wreck.
      I checked in on facebook to see what the world was up to (typical for me in the morning), and I saw that my friend Liz had gone into labor. I don't know if it was just the day, or if I was overly emotional from the pregnancy hormones, but I completely lost it. Alex had gone to work, so I was alone in the house with our dogs.
      I wailed. I cried one of those cathartic cries that completely takes it out of you when you're done. You feel like you've run 3 miles when you haven't been training for it at all. I cried out to the ceiling, "I MISS KAITLYN" at the top of my lungs. I keep our Jenny Bunny on my nightstand right next to Kaitlyn's urn and her pink candle, and I grabbed that bunny and sobbed into it. I cried over the loss of our daughter like I hadn't done in quite sometime.
      When I felt like I was done, I was exhausted. The Bible Study started at 10, and I was severely tempted to call it off and just spend the rest of the day in the safe zone of my bed. But instead, I drug myself out of bed and shook of the racks of grief that I had just given in to. I decided I wouldn't check facebook for a few hours because all it was going to do was add to my anxiety over Liz's birth and to my sorrow of not having Kaitlyn.
      I threw on a shirt, halfway put on some makeup, and then headed out the door. Michelle had decided to tag along and see how we did the gathering, so we met at the church right about 9:45. As we walked into the building, I was trying to focus on the bigger purpose here. We were going to make a difference today by loving on some moms we had never met with these ladies, and I was excited about that.
     The way I had set up the Hope Box gatherings through my church was to first go and share Kaitlyn's story and hand out lists of all the things that were needed in the boxes. As we waited for one of the leaders to get everyone's attention, I stood rehearsing a little bit about what I would say.
      Obviously, I could talk about Kaitlyn for days. But in this setting, I didn't want to bring all of the attention just to our story. I wanted to be sure to highlight what God had done with our story, and how Hope Mommies had helped me focus on God's plans for us and not get bogged down in the despair of losing her.
       Soon, I was handed a microphone and put in the spotlight in front of about 50 women. I started with introducing myself and how long I had gone to Hope Fellowship, and then I talked about Alex's deployment and our pregnancy, and finally finished with our loss. I shook my head as I remembered the images of Kaitlyn's still heart, just as vivid as they were the day we lost her. But then, I shared about Hope Mommies and what an amazing ministry they were. How they had reached out to me through God's divine connections (a wife of a friend that I barely knew), and how they had supported me through my grief and how I was determined to do the same for others. I shared that this ministry was not in North Texas, something that the women just couldn't believe. I shared the statistics that 1/160 pregnancies end in a stillbirth. And I shared my heart for how the women of Hope could have a Hope Box Gathering that would allow us to bring this ministry to Dallas.
     The response was amazing. I had been concerned that some people may not have wanted to participate or that they wouldn't understand how needed this ministry is. But I was wrong. The hearts of these women were full and ready to love on sisters that they didn't even know, just like some of the other groups I had shared with and were set up to do gatherings with.
   

      We finished up introducing the Hope Box gathering, and I asked Michelle if she wanted to go grab some breakfast with me down the street.
      "Of course!" she said, as we piles all the boxes into my car. We headed down the street and shared a meal and our stories. Michelle had read my blog and knew all of Kaitlyn's story, but I had only picked up bits and pieces from her. She had wanted to birth her son, Jaxon, at a birthing center very close to the Big Baylor hospital downtown. What I hadn't known about her story was that they tried to induce her and didn't monitor Jaxon while they induced. They sent her home. My heart broke again as I heard her story of regret and loss, and I tried to reassure her that if that was God's plan for Jaxon's life then there was nothing that she could have done differently to keep him here.
     Eventually, I shared with Michelle that I was pregnant again. She dropped her fork on her plate and leaned across the table to give me a high-five. I couldn't help but bust out laughing!
     "That's awesome!!" she said. "I can't wait until I'm there, but that's great!"
      It was so fun to get to share our pregnancy with some of the ladies that had been through a loss because there's so much celebration of life. We sat and chatted some more over our breakfast, but eventually it was time for me to go.
      I had an appointment with Kate that afternoon.