So many emotions

3.9.14

    The rest of Sunday was pretty much an excited blur. We ended up spilling the beans to my parents, who happened to be with my grandparents, who are notorious for not being able to keep a secret so we ended up telling my entire extended family.
     Although we were incredibly elated at being pregnant and being able to get pregnant so easily (realistically, this was only the second month we had really been "trying"), there were also all these bittersweet emotions that went with the positive pregnancy test.
     I was happy to be pregnant, please don't misunderstand that, but I was also reminded of a year earlier when I had found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. And with Kaitlyn I knew I was pregnant before I was even late, so it was just... different somehow.
   
      I remember the morning I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn. It was a Thursday, and it was about 4 days before I could be late. Alex was still stationed in El Paso, and I was in the process of applying for the job I have now. I had been talking to a work friend about us trying to get pregnant and on Wednesday morning, I was so excited because I had heard back and set up an interview with the new company for the job. When I went to talk to her about the interview, I said, "Guess what?!" and she replied, "You're pregnant!", which made me pause for a minute before I said, "Well, I could be, but I'll have to get back with you on that tomorrow!" And then I launched into the story about the new job.
      Thursday morning, I had gotten up, used a pregnancy test, and went into the kitchen to get my coffee. I wasn't expecting to be pregnant because we hadn't been able to get pregnant when Alex was on Christmas leave. Then, with coffee in hand, I walked back into the bathroom and peeked at the stick on the back of the toilet.
       There were definitely two pink lines.
       Fun fact about Texas: We have two time zones. So at 6 AM when I saw the second pink line, it was 5 AM in El Paso. So I decided not to call and wake Alex up just yet, but of course he scolded me for that later.
       So instead, I stood there with only our dog by my side and stared at the two pink lines. I'm fairly sure I was a statue for about 15 minutes, trying to figure out what all that meant for me and Alex, since he was deploying in a few short weeks.
        An hour later, Alex finally texted me that he was awake. I immediately called him and told him the news, "Whaaaat?" he said, but I could hear the smile in his voice.
        "I'm not 100% sure yet, I just took one test and I feel like I should take another just to be sure. You know, in case it's a false positive or something." I tried to slow down all the excitement and be logical for just a minute. So on my way to work, I picked up another box of pregnancy tests and snuck into one of the hospital bathrooms to test it out.

      It didn't even take the whole three minutes. Two pink lines appeared again.
      At this point, I was ecstatic. It was official, we were pregnant with our first baby. I'm fairly sure half the people that I work with knew I was pregnant within the first 48 hours simply because I work in a high-radiation (x-ray) environment, and as soon as I had that second confirmation I started standing behind lead walls and running to the back of the room anytime someone stepped on the x-ray pedal.

      This second pregnancy, though, I needed to wait. I can't really explain it, but at the main hospital I go to, those people are my extended family, and I know they want good things for us. But what goes along with that is that they will inevitably have a lot of anxiety once I told them we were pregnant. I was already wrestling with the dualing emotions of being elated and sorrowful, and I didn't want to add in anyone else's emotions or reactions during this time.

      So, for a while, I kept it quiet at work. I didn't tell anyone. I needed to process things in the quiet and safety of my marriage. One night that week, I woke up to Alex turning the overhead light on. I started awake and asked, "What's wrong??" To which he replied, "You were having a nightmare."
       "I was?" I asked him, confused on what was going on.
       "Yes, and I needed you to wake up." At that point, I'm not really sure what triggered it in the wee hours of the morning, but I had a complete panic attack and started crying hysterically. "What's wrong?!" Alex asked.
        "I'm scared of losing this baby, too," I cried into his arms. Eventually, I cried myself to sleep and tried to redirect my thoughts away from the possibility of saying goodbye to another child.