The things people say...

3.2.14

     I've waited a long time for this post, but its about time that I write it, I think.

     When you go through an unexpected loss, people try to take on the responsibility of making you feel better by saying the "right" thing. First and foremost, there is absolutely no "right" thing when you lose a child. Nothing you can say will make me feel better, nothing. One of the guys I work with hadn't said a word to me about Kaitlyn, and when I first came back to work I had to text him about something and his response was, "I'm sorry not saying anything, I didn't know what to say." My response to him was, "Nobody knows what to say. Quit putting the pressure on yourself to come up with something to make it better, because you never will." He told me later that freed him from feeling awkward around me for not saying anything or saying the wrong thing. Sometimes the best thing you can say is just, "I'm sorry for your loss," and leave it at that.

      Now, that being said. I want to highlight some of the things that have been said to me over the last months for three reasons: 1) because now its kind of funny that people think about these things, 2) to let the Hope moms that read this know that everyone gets those comments, and 3) to help you non-Hope moms that read this have a very clear understanding of what not to say.

     Nobody get mad at these comments: keep in mind that they were said with the mindset that they care about Alex and I, and want to help us, not come off as insensitive.

      At Kaitlyn's funeral: "Did they leave you where you can have more?" (Even now I roll my eyes) An older person asked me this question, and in their mind the only thing that can heal the hurt of losing a child is to have another one (one replaces another, right? right?). Oy. Don't say this.

      A few weeks afterward: "Your soul wasn't ready for a child yet." Um What? I still can't believe this one... So God gave me a child just to take her away because I wasn't ready? How do you explain the teenage moms out there? Their souls are ready? Okay. Again, don't try to make it better.
 
      Pretty much weekly: "She's your angel baby." UGH. I absolutely hate this. I'm sorry, this may be a comforting thought to some moms, but it isn't to me. I know that my daughter is not floating around with wings strumming a harp. Her personality is just a fierce as God made it and she is partying with our other relatives in Heaven waiting on the rest of us to get there (more on the waiting thing later).

      Various times: "I want you to do xx because I don't want this to happen to you again." The "xx" can be seeing a chiropractor, taking some essential oils, getting acupuncture, changing a flat tire in the middle of summer, it doesn't matter. What I hear when people tell me this stuff is, "This happened because you didn't do xx." And honestly, it is one of the most offensive things that someone can say. I look back at my pregnancy, and I did everything right. God totally, 100% blessed me in that. I am able to look back and say, with honesty, there is nothing I will change for our future children. Nothing. Not a thing. Again, this is coming from the heart of someone that wants to protect us from this happening again, but at the same time, it comes off as assuming you know the answer to why this happened. Don't say it, please! 

      Early on: "You don't know why this happened?" or "They didn't find anything wrong with her?" or "I hope, for your sake, that you find out what happened." Sigh. This was allowed to happen because God allowed it to happen. We live in a broken world. If we lived in Heaven, this wouldn't have happened. If we were perfect creations of God, this wouldn't have happened. But we live in a busted, broken, sin-riddled world that the Devil runs rampant in. Don't read that wrong: there is nothing that Alex or I did to deserve this, but at the same time we are not promised perfection in this world. Only in Heaven will we be perfect and there will be no death or tears. Let's get there, people.

      Only once: "Did you donate your breast milk?" Again, coming from someone that is trying to "make the best of a bad situation", but I can't say that I was concerned with someone else's child eating at the moment I was saying goodbye to mine. I do know Hope moms that have done this, and I think that is amazing, but this just wasn't for me. Perhaps if Kaitlyn had been our 3rd or 4th child? Yeah no, let's not think about that.

      Anyways, I guess the point is that there's nothing right to say. Just say you're sorry for the loss, and move on. Don't try to console, because inevitably something like this will pop out of your mouth and it will wound the one you're trying to help.