1.15.14
On Wednesday afternoon, I went to see Kate again. I had sent her an email the previous week when I got the call from Treasure You that I was a winner just letting her know that God is faithful. Her response was, "OMG God is so good!"
When I got to her office, we talked a little bit about the call and about what winning the contest meant for me. It meant that I was going to have to go on live TV and talk about Kaitlyn, something I had never, ever thought would come true.
"I've been thinking about what questions they might ask me," I told Kate. "And if I were them, I would ask something along the lines of 'Why did you enter the contest? What was the purpose?' And I think my answer is twofold:
First, I entered the contest to show what God has done for us: that He has truly lifted me up to tell our story and show His mercy and grace.
Second, I want to talk about Kaitlyn because people don't get to talk about stillbirths. Nobody talks about it. I want people to be able to talk about it if they need to, and not be ashamed that they are broken."
Kate looked at me for a second and then she said, "Amy, if you say that, you are giving millions of women permission to grieve."
It was one of those moments again, one of those heightened-awareness times where I feel like God is speaking to me, or that God spoke to me, right out of Kate's mouth.
For some time, I have been wondering what counseling is doing for me. At the beginning, I needed to sit and talk and process, and Alex didn't live with me (remember, he's active duty military and not stationed anywhere near Dallas) so I needed a sounding board. I needed Godly counsel. So God gave me Kate. But about a month before this, I started running out of things to talk about. I rarely would go to her office with a set agenda about things I needed to talk about like I did in the beginning. I use to have notes of incidents or questions or thoughts that I needed to talk through and get perspective one, and in the last month or so my list kept getting shorter. The result was that sometimes I was just quiet and Kate would ask questions to try to help me talk.
Honestly, it was probably since about week 12 that I started to lose steam in my counseling. Once that milestone passed, I'm not really sure why, but I stopped counting the weeks since Kaitlyn passed. I couldn't tell you right now how many weeks or days it has been. And I don't think that's selfish or a disservice to her, I think that she wants me to heal the best I can. There will always be a hole in my heart for what could have been, there will always be a piece of me in Heaven. But I don't think Kaitlyn would want me to be stuck in the same place for the rest of my life.
"I'm not sure what this looks like..." I started, hesitantly, making a motion with my hand between me and Kate. "I'm not sure what counseling looks like for me in the future."
Kate's eyes- I kid you not- lit up. "Don't just keep coming to see me as a form of codependency," she said. (What in the hell kind of counselor says that?) "The point is not for you to be in counseling for the rest of your life. I don't want you to see me once a week forever. But I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me."
I nodded tentatively and said, "I need the appointment for next week, I need a prep for my business trip where I'll see a ton of people I haven't seen since I had Kaitlyn and I need help mentally preparing for that... But, after that, I may not come see you for a while. I think you've equipped me with some really good thoughts and help, and I know I'll probably need to come see you a few times when we get pregnant again, but I think I'm doing okay."
"I'm really proud of you," she said.
And with that, we had an end date for our time together for the foreseeable future.
Kaitlyn
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Teaser (with videos)
1.15.14
They aired this clip for the Treasure You contest the next day:
They aired this clip for the Treasure You contest the next day:
And I definitely have never spoken for NILMDTS in any kind of formal setting (facebook status updates don't count, and probably neither does this blog), but I would love to! Maybe these clips will help me do that one day.
I liked that they showed Pat telling the other winners that they were chosen, but it made me laugh that they didn't show mine. I pretty much just broke down in tears and couldn't speak for a few minutes. And I'm good with that.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Walking through L&D
1.14.15
I was sitting in my car outside the hospital that we delivered at, and I was feeling brave. I was early, like an hour early, for what I was there for, and I just felt like I wanted to go up to the second floor and see if anyone was around. And to walk through the halls where Kaitlyn was with us for her short time on earth.
I can't remember if I ever wrote about this or not, and like I've said before I never go back and edit any of my posts. On occasion, I will try to go back and figure out if I've talked about someone or an incident so I can know if I can just reference it or if I need to tell the whole story, but now there are over 100 blog posts and I don't want to read through them all to figure out if I've told it. So I'll tell it again and I assume someone will tell me I'm repeating myself eventually.
There is a nurse named Nell at our hospital. She called me the Monday before Kaitlyn's scheduled c-section to set up an appointment on Tuesday for me to come in and have my bloodwork drawn and to go over some pre-op things. Our appointment was for at noon on Tuesday so Alex met me at the hospital and we trekked up to the second floor along the same pathway that we would go on Wednesday morning for our official check-in.
Nell is a tall lady, taller than me, which is saying something, and very slim. She is probably late 50's or so, with short blonde hair and glasses. To be honest, Nell kind of rubbed me the wrong way when I very first met her.
My biggest fear with the c-section was that stupid epidural. I hated the idea of somebody sticking a big needle in my back and numbing me up so easily. Plus, I don't really take medications so I knew that the dosage they would give me was going to knock me down really easily. My second biggest fear was the Foley catheter. I work in healthcare, so I know what they do to get that stupid catheter in your bladder, and it's neither pretty or pleasant. When I told Nell I wasn't excited about that she said, "You'll be numb, it won't hurt!" I didn't give a hoot about the pain (I was going to do this all-natural in the first place, remember?) but I did care about my hoo-hah being out there for the whole dang room to see. Again, I work in healthcare and I realize that nobody in that room thinks twice about it, all bodies are really the same and eventually they all just blur together (unless you have a really interesting tattoo, then we might remember you), but still, this was my body.
Anyways, we went over the whole procedure in which I sat in the rocker with Alex right beside me and the whole time I was rocking the chair. I didn't need to hear about the procedure, I knew enough about it to be nervous and could probably draw a flowchart about everything that was about to happen.
"Is this an active baby?" Nell asked.
"Yes," I responded without hesitation. In my gut, I really answered a hesitant "yeah, but...", but since I had already been scolded about being silly about the Foley I decided not to admit it.
The rest of our meeting was pretty uneventful, I remember her handing me my pre-made chart and I signed away all the paperwork for the next morning. Nell escorted us out and told us she would stop by and say hello when she got to work the next day.
After Kaitlyn passed, Nell and Gail (my main nurse that was training Morgan), came to see Alex and I. They had brought a very sweet card and offered their condolences and hugs. I felt bad about responding to Nell the way I had at first, and we'll just blame that on crazy pregnancy hormones.
Back to the present: I was sitting in my car outside the hospital and I felt brave. I felt like I wanted to go up to the floor. I had been adamantly avoiding it every time I came to the hospital, but I felt like I wanted to go up there today.
So, I went in by the ER just like Alex and I had. I got on the elevators and took them to the second floor. My heart was beating really fast just remembering when I had been there last. I stepped off the elevators, took a left and then a right: passed the family waiting room for the OR, and ended at the nurses' station where we had checked in for our meeting with Nell and also for the surgery.
"Is Nell here today?" I asked the nurse at the desk.
"Yes she is, she's in the break room."
"Um... Can you tell her Amy M. is here? I'm a former patient of hers..." I had no idea if Nell would remember my name or not. I can tell you the name of every patient I have ever had a complication with, but I didn't know if she had seen so many people in her career that the worst ones don't stand out anymore.
The nurse went over to a break room I had just passed and poked her head in the door. A few minutes later, Nell came out. I was relieved and nervous to see her.
"Hi honey," she said as she gave me a big hug. "How are you?"
I told her that I was doing okay. I was dressed in scrubs and I had to remind her (or tell her for the first time) that I was a vendor for the hospital and actually came to work there once a week or so. She was surprised to see me, but she was excited.
"What are you doing to remember?" she asked as intertwined her fingers in front of her.
"I write." I admitted. "I write a lot. I have a blog. I don't know if Gail shared it with you or not..." She kind of shrugged, but told me that was really good.
"Gail's not here today, but I'll definitely tell her you came by. Carol is here, remember the CRNA that did your epidural?"
I laughed a little and told her I would love to see Carol if she had time. She called over to Carol's phone and Carol was busy with a patient, so I would need to wait around. I had told Nell that I wanted to walk over to postpartum and see if Amy (my day nurse) was working, so she pointed me in the right direction and told me I would have to go back downstairs and walk through the lobby to get back to where we were standing (remember, this is a big L&D hospital so they have some tight security). I walked over to postpartum and watched as a family rolled their newborn down the hall. I felt sad, but I didn't cry.
"Is Amy here today?" I asked another nurse at another nurse's station. Our room had been all the way down the left hall, the last door on the right. I thought about asking if I could walk down there and see the room, but I wasn't ready for that yet. I think it would have been too painful.
"She's not, but can I help you with something?" the nurse asked. Me wearing scrubs was throwing everybody off.
"Oh, no... I'm just... I'm a former patient of hers and I wanted to come say hi. I was here in September." I said kind of quietly.
The nurse looked at me and said, "Were you in room 217?" I don't remember why I knew my room number, but I did. I slowly nodded my head and said, "Yeah."
"She would want to hear from you, I'm sure she'll be sad she missed you." the nurse told me. "Would you like to leave her a note?"
I nodded I would, and out came the stack of yellow post-its. I dug a pen out of my bag and scrawled out something like this:
"Hi Amy, I was in the hospital for work and just wanted to come by and say Hi and get a hug. I would love to hear from you sometime! Big hugs, Amy M., aka 217, aka Kaitlyn's Momma." (It was only when I got back to Nell's side of the hospital that I realized I left no way for her to get a hold of me.)
I handed the post-it back to the nurse and got back on the elevators to go see Nell and Carol.
Nell asked if Amy had been there, and I told her that I had left her a note. "That's good, she'll really enjoy reading that. We don't ever get to hear from our patients again unless they come here for another birth."
"I know," I admitted. "In my last job I had a lot of patient follow-up, and its the thing I miss the most from that job to what I do now."
Nell poked her head in one of the rooms as I waited across the hall (Privacy acts and all, and I didn't really want to get more than I came here for). After a few minutes, Carol came out. I didn't remember this, but she also has short hair and today she wore a sparkly headband. She was younger than Nell by maybe 5-10 years or so.
"Hiiiii," she breathed as she gave me a big hug. "How are you?"
"I'm doing okay," I said. I went through the same story as I had gone through with Nell about being in the hospital and just wanting to come say hi.
"I thought about you so much and wondered how you were doing... You guys were just so strong, you and Alex (she called him by name without prompting), in the OR. I went home that night and told my husband you're story, I hope you don't mind."
"I don't mind at all, you've got to talk about it." I reassured her.
I told them about going to see Kate. And about having spots in my memory that I don't remember.
"What do you want to know?" asked Nell.
"Well, I don't really want to know anything else... I just..." I looked to Carol, "I didn't know they did CPR on her."
"They did?" Nell asked, looking from me to Carol. Carol nodded.
"I know, I don't understand why they did that." I said. Again, I've grown up around medicine and I know that if you have no clue how long someone has been down, there is a really slim chance that you are going to get them back. Plus, the fact that Kaitlyn's body had deteriorated so badly indicated that she had been down for a while because otherwise her body wouldn't have been in the state it was.
"I think they just really wanted to be sure, they wanted to know they did everything they could," said Carol.
"Well, I just didn't understand it. But its okay. Your memory (I was talking to Carol) and Alex's memory of that day are very different from mine just because I couldn't see everything."
"Are you going to try again?" one of them asked.
"Oh yes, and I have an appointment with Dr. L next week. We'll definitely be back here," I told them.
"That's good to hear!" said Nell. "A lot of people don't want to come back after they've had a tragedy like this."
"Are you kidding me? I'm so glad I was here. I was so blessed to be at this hospital. I was surrounded by people who knew what they were doing and who had our best interest at heart. I'm so thankful to Gail for recommending NILMDTS, Mallie did some great pictures and those are something we will treasure for the rest of our lives," I said.
"Well, when you come back you can request the same team to take care of you..." Nell leaned over and kind of whispered to me like a conspirator.
"We will do that! For sure!" I smiled back at her.
At that point, I needed to get back to the Cath Lab to do my job (that's kind of important), so I hugged Nell and Carol goodbye and headed out of the L&D Department.
I was sitting in my car outside the hospital that we delivered at, and I was feeling brave. I was early, like an hour early, for what I was there for, and I just felt like I wanted to go up to the second floor and see if anyone was around. And to walk through the halls where Kaitlyn was with us for her short time on earth.
I can't remember if I ever wrote about this or not, and like I've said before I never go back and edit any of my posts. On occasion, I will try to go back and figure out if I've talked about someone or an incident so I can know if I can just reference it or if I need to tell the whole story, but now there are over 100 blog posts and I don't want to read through them all to figure out if I've told it. So I'll tell it again and I assume someone will tell me I'm repeating myself eventually.
There is a nurse named Nell at our hospital. She called me the Monday before Kaitlyn's scheduled c-section to set up an appointment on Tuesday for me to come in and have my bloodwork drawn and to go over some pre-op things. Our appointment was for at noon on Tuesday so Alex met me at the hospital and we trekked up to the second floor along the same pathway that we would go on Wednesday morning for our official check-in.
Nell is a tall lady, taller than me, which is saying something, and very slim. She is probably late 50's or so, with short blonde hair and glasses. To be honest, Nell kind of rubbed me the wrong way when I very first met her.
My biggest fear with the c-section was that stupid epidural. I hated the idea of somebody sticking a big needle in my back and numbing me up so easily. Plus, I don't really take medications so I knew that the dosage they would give me was going to knock me down really easily. My second biggest fear was the Foley catheter. I work in healthcare, so I know what they do to get that stupid catheter in your bladder, and it's neither pretty or pleasant. When I told Nell I wasn't excited about that she said, "You'll be numb, it won't hurt!" I didn't give a hoot about the pain (I was going to do this all-natural in the first place, remember?) but I did care about my hoo-hah being out there for the whole dang room to see. Again, I work in healthcare and I realize that nobody in that room thinks twice about it, all bodies are really the same and eventually they all just blur together (unless you have a really interesting tattoo, then we might remember you), but still, this was my body.
Anyways, we went over the whole procedure in which I sat in the rocker with Alex right beside me and the whole time I was rocking the chair. I didn't need to hear about the procedure, I knew enough about it to be nervous and could probably draw a flowchart about everything that was about to happen.
"Is this an active baby?" Nell asked.
"Yes," I responded without hesitation. In my gut, I really answered a hesitant "yeah, but...", but since I had already been scolded about being silly about the Foley I decided not to admit it.
The rest of our meeting was pretty uneventful, I remember her handing me my pre-made chart and I signed away all the paperwork for the next morning. Nell escorted us out and told us she would stop by and say hello when she got to work the next day.
After Kaitlyn passed, Nell and Gail (my main nurse that was training Morgan), came to see Alex and I. They had brought a very sweet card and offered their condolences and hugs. I felt bad about responding to Nell the way I had at first, and we'll just blame that on crazy pregnancy hormones.
Back to the present: I was sitting in my car outside the hospital and I felt brave. I felt like I wanted to go up to the floor. I had been adamantly avoiding it every time I came to the hospital, but I felt like I wanted to go up there today.
So, I went in by the ER just like Alex and I had. I got on the elevators and took them to the second floor. My heart was beating really fast just remembering when I had been there last. I stepped off the elevators, took a left and then a right: passed the family waiting room for the OR, and ended at the nurses' station where we had checked in for our meeting with Nell and also for the surgery.
"Is Nell here today?" I asked the nurse at the desk.
"Yes she is, she's in the break room."
"Um... Can you tell her Amy M. is here? I'm a former patient of hers..." I had no idea if Nell would remember my name or not. I can tell you the name of every patient I have ever had a complication with, but I didn't know if she had seen so many people in her career that the worst ones don't stand out anymore.
The nurse went over to a break room I had just passed and poked her head in the door. A few minutes later, Nell came out. I was relieved and nervous to see her.
"Hi honey," she said as she gave me a big hug. "How are you?"
I told her that I was doing okay. I was dressed in scrubs and I had to remind her (or tell her for the first time) that I was a vendor for the hospital and actually came to work there once a week or so. She was surprised to see me, but she was excited.
"What are you doing to remember?" she asked as intertwined her fingers in front of her.
"I write." I admitted. "I write a lot. I have a blog. I don't know if Gail shared it with you or not..." She kind of shrugged, but told me that was really good.
"Gail's not here today, but I'll definitely tell her you came by. Carol is here, remember the CRNA that did your epidural?"
I laughed a little and told her I would love to see Carol if she had time. She called over to Carol's phone and Carol was busy with a patient, so I would need to wait around. I had told Nell that I wanted to walk over to postpartum and see if Amy (my day nurse) was working, so she pointed me in the right direction and told me I would have to go back downstairs and walk through the lobby to get back to where we were standing (remember, this is a big L&D hospital so they have some tight security). I walked over to postpartum and watched as a family rolled their newborn down the hall. I felt sad, but I didn't cry.
"Is Amy here today?" I asked another nurse at another nurse's station. Our room had been all the way down the left hall, the last door on the right. I thought about asking if I could walk down there and see the room, but I wasn't ready for that yet. I think it would have been too painful.
"She's not, but can I help you with something?" the nurse asked. Me wearing scrubs was throwing everybody off.
"Oh, no... I'm just... I'm a former patient of hers and I wanted to come say hi. I was here in September." I said kind of quietly.
The nurse looked at me and said, "Were you in room 217?" I don't remember why I knew my room number, but I did. I slowly nodded my head and said, "Yeah."
"She would want to hear from you, I'm sure she'll be sad she missed you." the nurse told me. "Would you like to leave her a note?"
I nodded I would, and out came the stack of yellow post-its. I dug a pen out of my bag and scrawled out something like this:
"Hi Amy, I was in the hospital for work and just wanted to come by and say Hi and get a hug. I would love to hear from you sometime! Big hugs, Amy M., aka 217, aka Kaitlyn's Momma." (It was only when I got back to Nell's side of the hospital that I realized I left no way for her to get a hold of me.)
I handed the post-it back to the nurse and got back on the elevators to go see Nell and Carol.
Nell asked if Amy had been there, and I told her that I had left her a note. "That's good, she'll really enjoy reading that. We don't ever get to hear from our patients again unless they come here for another birth."
"I know," I admitted. "In my last job I had a lot of patient follow-up, and its the thing I miss the most from that job to what I do now."
Nell poked her head in one of the rooms as I waited across the hall (Privacy acts and all, and I didn't really want to get more than I came here for). After a few minutes, Carol came out. I didn't remember this, but she also has short hair and today she wore a sparkly headband. She was younger than Nell by maybe 5-10 years or so.
"Hiiiii," she breathed as she gave me a big hug. "How are you?"
"I'm doing okay," I said. I went through the same story as I had gone through with Nell about being in the hospital and just wanting to come say hi.
"I thought about you so much and wondered how you were doing... You guys were just so strong, you and Alex (she called him by name without prompting), in the OR. I went home that night and told my husband you're story, I hope you don't mind."
"I don't mind at all, you've got to talk about it." I reassured her.
I told them about going to see Kate. And about having spots in my memory that I don't remember.
"What do you want to know?" asked Nell.
"Well, I don't really want to know anything else... I just..." I looked to Carol, "I didn't know they did CPR on her."
"They did?" Nell asked, looking from me to Carol. Carol nodded.
"I know, I don't understand why they did that." I said. Again, I've grown up around medicine and I know that if you have no clue how long someone has been down, there is a really slim chance that you are going to get them back. Plus, the fact that Kaitlyn's body had deteriorated so badly indicated that she had been down for a while because otherwise her body wouldn't have been in the state it was.
"I think they just really wanted to be sure, they wanted to know they did everything they could," said Carol.
"Well, I just didn't understand it. But its okay. Your memory (I was talking to Carol) and Alex's memory of that day are very different from mine just because I couldn't see everything."
"Are you going to try again?" one of them asked.
"Oh yes, and I have an appointment with Dr. L next week. We'll definitely be back here," I told them.
"That's good to hear!" said Nell. "A lot of people don't want to come back after they've had a tragedy like this."
"Are you kidding me? I'm so glad I was here. I was so blessed to be at this hospital. I was surrounded by people who knew what they were doing and who had our best interest at heart. I'm so thankful to Gail for recommending NILMDTS, Mallie did some great pictures and those are something we will treasure for the rest of our lives," I said.
"Well, when you come back you can request the same team to take care of you..." Nell leaned over and kind of whispered to me like a conspirator.
"We will do that! For sure!" I smiled back at her.
At that point, I needed to get back to the Cath Lab to do my job (that's kind of important), so I hugged Nell and Carol goodbye and headed out of the L&D Department.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Disturbing
1.11.14-1.12.14
That Saturday, I grabbed Jenny and went shopping. I was in desperate need of a make-over since I had been told that we would have a live news event. We were suppose to meet Pat at the studio to be announced as the three winners of the Treasure You contest. I was pretty excited, but like I said, my whole wardrobe consisted of maternity and pre-maternity (aka skinny me) clothes. None of that on TV, please.
The whole weekend, I started getting nervous. R had emailed the three of us and asked for photos to go along with the news stories, so Alex and I combed over a few of our NILMDTS pictures and picked out a few of those to send in. In the back of my mind, I was a little worried about the reaction that might solicit from people. I wanted to think that everyone would be so heartbroken by our story that nobody would ever say anything hurtful about our daughter, but I also wasn't that naive.
We live in a world of social media. That can be a really good thing, or a really bad thing. NILMDTS has a facebook page, and soon after Kaitlyn's death I "liked" it so that I could see the updates from the organization, and it also allows me to see when others comment on the page. Most of the time, its other moms who have used the service and wanted to thank the organization for giving them a gift that can never be repaid.
"These pictures are disturbing." she wrote. "I am 32 weeks pregnant and this came up as a 'suggested site' on facebook. These pictures should be private, they are disturbing and sad. There are kids on the internet and they shouldn't be subjected to pictures of dead babies."
This poor mom had stumbled across the NILMDTS website and had voiced my biggest fear: that people would not appreciate having pictures (however beautiful and tastefully done) of dead babies forced on them.
To this day, I still do not have our pictures of Kaitlyn up on either of our facebook pages. Its not really that different from my pregnancy, only one sonogram picture ever made it on facebook and that's only because Alex thought she looked like she was doing a chin-up or something athletic and just had to post it. The only pictures I have shared have been on this blog, and that way if you look at them that's your own fault and I didn't force them on you (but my God we made a beautiful baby girl!).
What followed after that comment was a string of moms defending the organization and their rights to post their pictures wherever the hell they wanted to. I didn't really care, but I worried what pictures the news cast would chose to show and what people's reactions to those pictures would be.
But you know what, the Devil is a liar. He constantly uses our biggest fears to intimidate us away from taking hold of a situation and relying fully on God to take care of it. After everything I'd been through, you would think I would have learned that God is always in the details, and His plan for us is always good.
That Saturday, I grabbed Jenny and went shopping. I was in desperate need of a make-over since I had been told that we would have a live news event. We were suppose to meet Pat at the studio to be announced as the three winners of the Treasure You contest. I was pretty excited, but like I said, my whole wardrobe consisted of maternity and pre-maternity (aka skinny me) clothes. None of that on TV, please.
The whole weekend, I started getting nervous. R had emailed the three of us and asked for photos to go along with the news stories, so Alex and I combed over a few of our NILMDTS pictures and picked out a few of those to send in. In the back of my mind, I was a little worried about the reaction that might solicit from people. I wanted to think that everyone would be so heartbroken by our story that nobody would ever say anything hurtful about our daughter, but I also wasn't that naive.
We live in a world of social media. That can be a really good thing, or a really bad thing. NILMDTS has a facebook page, and soon after Kaitlyn's death I "liked" it so that I could see the updates from the organization, and it also allows me to see when others comment on the page. Most of the time, its other moms who have used the service and wanted to thank the organization for giving them a gift that can never be repaid.
"These pictures are disturbing." she wrote. "I am 32 weeks pregnant and this came up as a 'suggested site' on facebook. These pictures should be private, they are disturbing and sad. There are kids on the internet and they shouldn't be subjected to pictures of dead babies."
This poor mom had stumbled across the NILMDTS website and had voiced my biggest fear: that people would not appreciate having pictures (however beautiful and tastefully done) of dead babies forced on them.
To this day, I still do not have our pictures of Kaitlyn up on either of our facebook pages. Its not really that different from my pregnancy, only one sonogram picture ever made it on facebook and that's only because Alex thought she looked like she was doing a chin-up or something athletic and just had to post it. The only pictures I have shared have been on this blog, and that way if you look at them that's your own fault and I didn't force them on you (but my God we made a beautiful baby girl!).
What followed after that comment was a string of moms defending the organization and their rights to post their pictures wherever the hell they wanted to. I didn't really care, but I worried what pictures the news cast would chose to show and what people's reactions to those pictures would be.
But you know what, the Devil is a liar. He constantly uses our biggest fears to intimidate us away from taking hold of a situation and relying fully on God to take care of it. After everything I'd been through, you would think I would have learned that God is always in the details, and His plan for us is always good.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
The Moments After
1.9.14
I sat in the empty conference room and waited. Mostly, I stared out the wall-sized glass windows at the building next door and relived every moment of the last 15 minutes with Pat. Suddenly, somebody opened the door.
"Are you alone in here?" she asked. Her name was M and she was another petite lady, probably mid-thirties, with dark brown hair that fell around her face.
"Yeah," I shrugged. "I'm use to it, I don't have any family around Dallas."
"Oh." she said, as she came in and sat down next to me.
"I read your entry into the contest," she started, rather quietly. "We received thousands. I sat down and started reading it at about midnight, and I was still crying over it when I came in the next morning. I couldn't even tell them what you had written about, I just handed it over to them and told them they had to read it."
I wasn't really sure who "they" were, but I appreciated her telling me that.
"It must have been awful living through that," she added.
"It was," I agreed. "But its okay, there is a purpose in it all. I know that for sure."
She nodded and got up and hugged me. "Thank you for being here today, your story has touched our whole office." And with that, she also left.
I sat for a few more minutes as I waited for somebody to come back and tell me what I was suppose to do next. I kept hearing these excited yells from down the hall, but I still hadn't put it all together. Eventually, R came back and asked me to follow her.
She took me back to the kitchen that we had passed through between the initial interview and the second interview. I had commented when we were walking through that it looked like they were celebrating somebody's birthday because there were balloons and party trays of cookies strung throughout the kitchen. Now, I found out that the party was to celebrate the three winners of the "Overcomers" contest. We all stood around and took pictures with Pat for her website and media coverage, and she gave us each a bouquet of beautiful flowers and a few pieces of jewelry from her personal line. (Per the contest contract, I can't share what either of the other two winners' stories were, but one was a pretty severe bout with cancer and the other was sexual assault resulting in two pregnancies years apart.)
Of course, I had to take a photo with just me and Pat to be sure that I could include in this blog!
I sat in the empty conference room and waited. Mostly, I stared out the wall-sized glass windows at the building next door and relived every moment of the last 15 minutes with Pat. Suddenly, somebody opened the door.
"Are you alone in here?" she asked. Her name was M and she was another petite lady, probably mid-thirties, with dark brown hair that fell around her face.
"Yeah," I shrugged. "I'm use to it, I don't have any family around Dallas."
"Oh." she said, as she came in and sat down next to me.
"I read your entry into the contest," she started, rather quietly. "We received thousands. I sat down and started reading it at about midnight, and I was still crying over it when I came in the next morning. I couldn't even tell them what you had written about, I just handed it over to them and told them they had to read it."
I wasn't really sure who "they" were, but I appreciated her telling me that.
"It must have been awful living through that," she added.
"It was," I agreed. "But its okay, there is a purpose in it all. I know that for sure."
She nodded and got up and hugged me. "Thank you for being here today, your story has touched our whole office." And with that, she also left.
I sat for a few more minutes as I waited for somebody to come back and tell me what I was suppose to do next. I kept hearing these excited yells from down the hall, but I still hadn't put it all together. Eventually, R came back and asked me to follow her.
She took me back to the kitchen that we had passed through between the initial interview and the second interview. I had commented when we were walking through that it looked like they were celebrating somebody's birthday because there were balloons and party trays of cookies strung throughout the kitchen. Now, I found out that the party was to celebrate the three winners of the "Overcomers" contest. We all stood around and took pictures with Pat for her website and media coverage, and she gave us each a bouquet of beautiful flowers and a few pieces of jewelry from her personal line. (Per the contest contract, I can't share what either of the other two winners' stories were, but one was a pretty severe bout with cancer and the other was sexual assault resulting in two pregnancies years apart.)
Of course, I had to take a photo with just me and Pat to be sure that I could include in this blog!
Isn't she fabulous?
That stupid sticker
1.9.13
After I had finished doing my initial interview with the two guys, R came back into the room at a dizzying pace with a full entourage in-tow.
"We need to get you ready to meet Pat." She said with a flourish as another guy came at me with a personal microphone to clip on my sweater. I had picked out a black swoop-neck shirt and a hot pink sweater to wear for the day, the colors were absolutely what Kaitlyn would have picked out. "I like your outfit," commented R.
"Thanks, I had to go shopping after you called me yesterday," I admitted.
"Well, I'm glad I didn't call you today!" she replied back, rather surprised at my confession. I would have had to wear either scrubs or maternity clothes if she had called that day, neither of which sounded particularly appealing.
"Yeah I picked this out yesterday and did a triple-look-over to make sure I didn't leave any of those dumb stickers with the size on them!" I kept talking (ugh).
That's when the mic guy chimed in.
"Since you brought it up, there's an L sticker under your left armpit."
Of course there is! Good grief.
I started laughing and peeled it off as we got my mic all situated and then we headed back through the room of cubicles and pacing phone people, through a kitchen and into the main lobby of the office. They filmed me walking down the hall to meet Pat (why?) and then asked me to wait for a few minutes until they were ready to bring me into the room. I stood awkwardly outside the glass wall where I knew Pat was on the other side, even though half of it was frosted so you couldn't clearly see who was on the other side. I waited, and waited, and finally, they told me, "Pat's ready for you now."
After I had finished doing my initial interview with the two guys, R came back into the room at a dizzying pace with a full entourage in-tow.
"We need to get you ready to meet Pat." She said with a flourish as another guy came at me with a personal microphone to clip on my sweater. I had picked out a black swoop-neck shirt and a hot pink sweater to wear for the day, the colors were absolutely what Kaitlyn would have picked out. "I like your outfit," commented R.
"Thanks, I had to go shopping after you called me yesterday," I admitted.
"Well, I'm glad I didn't call you today!" she replied back, rather surprised at my confession. I would have had to wear either scrubs or maternity clothes if she had called that day, neither of which sounded particularly appealing.
"Yeah I picked this out yesterday and did a triple-look-over to make sure I didn't leave any of those dumb stickers with the size on them!" I kept talking (ugh).
That's when the mic guy chimed in.
"Since you brought it up, there's an L sticker under your left armpit."
Of course there is! Good grief.
I started laughing and peeled it off as we got my mic all situated and then we headed back through the room of cubicles and pacing phone people, through a kitchen and into the main lobby of the office. They filmed me walking down the hall to meet Pat (why?) and then asked me to wait for a few minutes until they were ready to bring me into the room. I stood awkwardly outside the glass wall where I knew Pat was on the other side, even though half of it was frosted so you couldn't clearly see who was on the other side. I waited, and waited, and finally, they told me, "Pat's ready for you now."
Meeting Pat Smith
1.9.13
"Hi Amy," she said. "I've been waiting all day to meet you."
Pat Smith is one of the most stunning people I've ever seen. Sure, you have your movie stars, and your models, but there was something about her beauty, even on the morning that I saw her on the news and hadn't even met her in person yet, that is just... striking.
She's petite (about 5'3" if I had to guess), but wore some monster heels that made you wonder how she learned to walk in them. She wore a blue and black dress with long sleeves, and her hair fell down around her face.
"Come in and sit down!" she said as she ushered me into the conference room. Straight in front of me where glass windows from ceiling to floor, and to the right was a large wooden table used for meetings for the group. Along the table was another camera man, some people taking notes, and two additional camera men to give different perspectives to the filming.
I was nervous with just boomstick and hand-held camera guy.
"I'm so excited you're finally here!" Pat said as we settled in to talk.
"It is SO cool that I'm here," I agreed with her. "Its a total God thing."
She smiled and said, "Why did you enter this contest?"
I shook my head and said, "You know, Pat, I was watching the news that Monday morning like I always do and I saw you and heard you ask for submissions and... I don't know, I just felt the Holy Spirit come over me to tell me this was important."
"Okay, for those who don't know what the Holy Spirit feels like when He speaks, can you describe it?" She asked.
"It's a really strange feeling... Its like, a heightened sense of awareness. Its the hair on the back of your neck standing up and something inside you just says, 'This is important.' I'm not even really sure what will come of this, but I know that it was important for me to be here, today. It was important for me to meet you."
"Absolutely," she confirmed, nodding her head. "And what brings you hear today? What have you overcome?"
I literally shudder every time somebody uses that word when it comes to Kaitlyn. I know that I entered a contest for "overcomers", but I absolutely abhor that word when it comes to Kaitlyn. I didn't overcome her, I didn't overcome her birth. I did (am constantly?) overcome intense misery, pain, and loss, but I would chose to use a different word when describing that.
Now that I had done the warm-up interview, I knew where I wanted to start. I told her about the day we found out we were pregnant, about our heartache knowing that Alex would miss the entire pregnancy and most likely the birth, and then I told the story of her sweet little heart not beating on the ultrasound.
It was at this point, that Pat, sweet woman that she is, let a single tear run down her cheek as she nodded at the pain I was recalling.
I had finished telling our story and waited for her to ask another question. I had made it through this round without crying.
"You know," she said, "Emmitt and I miscarried our first. I was early, way earlier than you. But it was the first time I saw Emmitt cry." She stared down at her piece of paper as she told me the story. "But to give you hope, we went on to have two beautiful daughters, but there is still nothing that compares to that pain."
I nodded and agreed with her, and expressed my condolences for her loss as well. We continued to talk and I even told her the story of Kate and how Kate didn't finish her application (and I was a total weenie and called Kate a "good girl friend" instead of "counselor" or "therapist"). When I told of how Kate had nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders and said, "That wasn't meant for me," Pat's response was to stop looking at her paper and look me straight in the eye and say, "That's a good girl friend." Yes. Kate is an awesome girl friend.
She shook off her sad face and then looked around the room and asked if anyone else had any questions. There were two more:
"What would you tell Mom's who have been through this and future moms that may be afraid that this will happen to them?" she asked the first question.
"Well for Mom's that this has happened to: there is always purpose in the pain. You may not see it, and it may take a while for you to glimpse part of it. But even my cousin who passed away 21 years ago is still affecting the world around her life," I started. "And as for women who might be scared that this will happen to them..." I shook my head as I talked, "You just have to give that up to God. One of the beautiful things about our story is that I did everything right. I took my prenatal vitamins, I ate a salad every day for the first trimester, I was diligent about seeing my doctor. I did everything right. And this still happened. You have to give that worry up to God, because you're not in control anyways."
"If you could ask God for one thing and you knew it would be given to you, what would you ask him for?" she asked me, the second question posed by the audience.
I sat for a minute and thought... What would I ask God for? Anything? It was such a strange question, one meant for happier times with a thousand and one answers varying from "to live forever" to "a million dollars" or even "a book deal."
"You know," I said, finally reaching my decision, "I think I'd ask Him for twins."
"Twins?!" she said, giving me the you-might-be-crazy look.
"Yeah, twins. I know you probably thought that I was going to ask for Kaitlyn back, but that wasn't what God had planned for her. And who am I to say that my plan is better than God's? No... I'd just ask for twins next go 'round."
At this point, Pat just shook her head at the table. Then she kind of started mumbling to herself, and she said, "I'm sorry I had to put you all through this, I just had to be sure, but... You're a winner. You're one of my three winners."
That was my cue to just start crying again. I thought I had heard R wrong on the phone, I had doubted it for a minute, and given in to whatever God had in store for me, and here He was lifting me up again.
I was completely blown away. Pat jumped up and started hugging on me and then said, "We get to have lunch with Robin Roberts!"
And with that, she was whisked away with all the camera men following her and I was left in the conference room by myself.
"Hi Amy," she said. "I've been waiting all day to meet you."
Pat Smith is one of the most stunning people I've ever seen. Sure, you have your movie stars, and your models, but there was something about her beauty, even on the morning that I saw her on the news and hadn't even met her in person yet, that is just... striking.
She's petite (about 5'3" if I had to guess), but wore some monster heels that made you wonder how she learned to walk in them. She wore a blue and black dress with long sleeves, and her hair fell down around her face.
"Come in and sit down!" she said as she ushered me into the conference room. Straight in front of me where glass windows from ceiling to floor, and to the right was a large wooden table used for meetings for the group. Along the table was another camera man, some people taking notes, and two additional camera men to give different perspectives to the filming.
I was nervous with just boomstick and hand-held camera guy.
"I'm so excited you're finally here!" Pat said as we settled in to talk.
"It is SO cool that I'm here," I agreed with her. "Its a total God thing."
She smiled and said, "Why did you enter this contest?"
I shook my head and said, "You know, Pat, I was watching the news that Monday morning like I always do and I saw you and heard you ask for submissions and... I don't know, I just felt the Holy Spirit come over me to tell me this was important."
"Okay, for those who don't know what the Holy Spirit feels like when He speaks, can you describe it?" She asked.
"It's a really strange feeling... Its like, a heightened sense of awareness. Its the hair on the back of your neck standing up and something inside you just says, 'This is important.' I'm not even really sure what will come of this, but I know that it was important for me to be here, today. It was important for me to meet you."
"Absolutely," she confirmed, nodding her head. "And what brings you hear today? What have you overcome?"
I literally shudder every time somebody uses that word when it comes to Kaitlyn. I know that I entered a contest for "overcomers", but I absolutely abhor that word when it comes to Kaitlyn. I didn't overcome her, I didn't overcome her birth. I did (am constantly?) overcome intense misery, pain, and loss, but I would chose to use a different word when describing that.
Now that I had done the warm-up interview, I knew where I wanted to start. I told her about the day we found out we were pregnant, about our heartache knowing that Alex would miss the entire pregnancy and most likely the birth, and then I told the story of her sweet little heart not beating on the ultrasound.
It was at this point, that Pat, sweet woman that she is, let a single tear run down her cheek as she nodded at the pain I was recalling.
I had finished telling our story and waited for her to ask another question. I had made it through this round without crying.
"You know," she said, "Emmitt and I miscarried our first. I was early, way earlier than you. But it was the first time I saw Emmitt cry." She stared down at her piece of paper as she told me the story. "But to give you hope, we went on to have two beautiful daughters, but there is still nothing that compares to that pain."
I nodded and agreed with her, and expressed my condolences for her loss as well. We continued to talk and I even told her the story of Kate and how Kate didn't finish her application (and I was a total weenie and called Kate a "good girl friend" instead of "counselor" or "therapist"). When I told of how Kate had nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders and said, "That wasn't meant for me," Pat's response was to stop looking at her paper and look me straight in the eye and say, "That's a good girl friend." Yes. Kate is an awesome girl friend.
She shook off her sad face and then looked around the room and asked if anyone else had any questions. There were two more:
"What would you tell Mom's who have been through this and future moms that may be afraid that this will happen to them?" she asked the first question.
"Well for Mom's that this has happened to: there is always purpose in the pain. You may not see it, and it may take a while for you to glimpse part of it. But even my cousin who passed away 21 years ago is still affecting the world around her life," I started. "And as for women who might be scared that this will happen to them..." I shook my head as I talked, "You just have to give that up to God. One of the beautiful things about our story is that I did everything right. I took my prenatal vitamins, I ate a salad every day for the first trimester, I was diligent about seeing my doctor. I did everything right. And this still happened. You have to give that worry up to God, because you're not in control anyways."
"If you could ask God for one thing and you knew it would be given to you, what would you ask him for?" she asked me, the second question posed by the audience.
I sat for a minute and thought... What would I ask God for? Anything? It was such a strange question, one meant for happier times with a thousand and one answers varying from "to live forever" to "a million dollars" or even "a book deal."
"You know," I said, finally reaching my decision, "I think I'd ask Him for twins."
"Twins?!" she said, giving me the you-might-be-crazy look.
"Yeah, twins. I know you probably thought that I was going to ask for Kaitlyn back, but that wasn't what God had planned for her. And who am I to say that my plan is better than God's? No... I'd just ask for twins next go 'round."
At this point, Pat just shook her head at the table. Then she kind of started mumbling to herself, and she said, "I'm sorry I had to put you all through this, I just had to be sure, but... You're a winner. You're one of my three winners."
That was my cue to just start crying again. I thought I had heard R wrong on the phone, I had doubted it for a minute, and given in to whatever God had in store for me, and here He was lifting me up again.
I was completely blown away. Pat jumped up and started hugging on me and then said, "We get to have lunch with Robin Roberts!"
And with that, she was whisked away with all the camera men following her and I was left in the conference room by myself.
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