The first baby shower

7.12.14

     On Saturday, I had been invited over to my friend Lindsay's baby shower for her little boy that is due at the end of September. Lindsay is also a hope mom, even though I didn't know it when I first met her.
      We have a mutual friend named Becca, and last year at the beginning of September all of us met for dinner at the Gaylord Texan to celebrate Becca's big 30th birthday. I was just 3 weeks away from giving birth to Kailtyn, and I felt as big as a house. We sat in this cute Mexican-themed restaurant and everyone had a great time talking about Becca and our lives in general (only a few of us had met before).
       It was towards the end of the night when everyone else was headed to a concert (I was exhausted and had only committed to coming to dinner) when Lindsay snuck off to the bathroom and that's when Becca told me that her and her husband had just miscarried the week before. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to see me with my big pregnant belly just a week after losing her own baby. I can't remember now if I said anything to her at the time (I would have had no frame of reference with the exception of my cousin, Ashley, having two miscarriages herself), and even now with miscarriages I feel myself at a loss for what to say.
   
       Fast forward to Kaitlyn. I started writing the week after we lost her. It was really just for me, because I wanted to get Kaitlyn's story out there so that people could read it and when I finally went back to work I wouldn't have to relive everything multiple times (this kind of worked, there are still people that don't know our whole story and I always direct them here). Secondly, I needed to get the images out of my head. Somehow, when you write things down, you almost take the power of the images away. In those first few days, I was constantly reliving every minute of the hours that we had with her body before having to release her back to the hospital. Those images and memories are still with me, but I found that after I wrote them in detail I felt better about having them crop back up in my head randomly.
       It was after I shared the blog that I heard from Lindsay. She told me that she had read my blog and that it had helped her grieve her miscarriage better. It was such a blessing to hear someone say that my writing helped them.
 
       Now Lindsay was passed the "scary part" of pregnancy. She had a round belly and looked absolutely radiant as we all sat and ate finger foods around the kitchen table. She has decided to name her little boy Jack, so we talked all about what Jack would do as he came into this world and most likely would make trouble, if he's anything like his daddy.
        Lindsay's shower was the first one that I have attended since Kaitlyn's death. Especially for my friends that had little girls, I couldn't do it. I was worried I would just start crying and make a scene and steal the joy from my friend, so I ended up just sending gifts for all the invitations that I received.
       But Lindsay was different. I don't mean this in a harsh way, but I felt as if I could celebrate with her because she had lost a child. She knows how fragile life is (as does anyone who has read our story) because she lived it. I know what an amazing mom she will be because I know how that loss affected her.
       Before they started opening gifts, I went and hugged on Lindsay and told her I didn't know how long I would be able to stay. I wanted to tell her "bye" in case I needed to sneak out if the moment she started opening presents brought back all of the emotions from my own baby shower for Kaitlyn.
       But then something cool happened. As Lindsay started opening all of her gifts, I started making a list of things that I still needed for this baby. Just little "nice to have" things that you would probably never think to ask for with a first baby, but since we still have all of the gender-neutral stuff from Kaitlyn we didn't really think we needed anything else.
       I watched as Lindsay's eyes sparkled as the dreams for her little boy being wrapped in some adorable boy blankets swept over her as she opened present after present. It was clear that Jack would be loved by a lot of people, and that he would be spoiled rotten as soon as he got here.
     
       I'm really glad I ended up going to Lindsay's shower for two reasons: first off, it helped me bond with this baby. As crazy as that sounds, I felt like I was finally ready to start really going through Kaitlyn's things and pulling out the onesies that were just hers (even though she never wore any of them, I had bought them knowing full well that she would and that they suited her personality). Secondly, it broke the ice for me to attend other baby showers. I have friends that have lost babies that said they could never attend another baby shower because their loss affected them so deeply, but I never wanted to be like that. As painful as baby showers could be for me (especially if someone opened a gift that we had gotten for Kaitlyn), I still believe that every life should be celebrated, and celebrated well. I didn't want to be "that girl" that people eventually stop inviting because she never shows up. I also didn't want to be the dark cloud that shows up at baby showers to remind everyone that this baby isn't here safely yet. So instead, I'll be the mom that shows up and helps celebrate. Because every life is valid, and every life needs to have a party.