Grief Education (part I)

7.10.14

      The weekend flew by since it was the Fourth of July and we were off from work. We had decided to make the hour and a half trek out to Canton First Trade Days, the mecca of all things craftsy, with Chad, Jenny, and our good friend Dana. We walked up and down the different areas and even ended up sneaking off to get the baby's name embroidered on a little sleep sack for him/her to take naps in.

       The next week, I had been asked by J at Baylor McKinney to come share about Kaitlyn and the hope boxes with the nursing staff since they were doing some general grief education. I wasn't able to fully commit before the day of because of my work schedule, but somehow everything lined up exactly the way it was suppose to and I was able to come share our story. 

   

        I carried my hope box into the hospital and headed to the cafeteria area, which is in the basement of the hospital. I waited for a few minutes for J to come get me, and then she lead me towards a smaller room where their education session was happening. She told me to wait outside for a moment because they had been watching a video about stillbirths and she didn't want me to see it in case it was hard on me (I'm so grateful for her). 

         After the video finished, I snuck into the room and let J introduce me to the nurses. I walked up to the front and decided that I wanted to sit down to tell our story because there were only four of us in the room anyways so there wasn't such a need to be formal.

         I sat and looked at each nurse in the face and told them how amazing they are, and how much they have the potential to impact a mom who has suffered a loss. I told them the story of Amy and Terri, my two nurses that took care of me on the floor. I told them about Gail and Morgan, the two nurses who had first discovered that Kaitlyn's heartbeat was very difficult to find.

         I talked to them about the hard stuff. I talked to them about what not to say to a mom. I told them that (still) one of the memories that stands out in my mind is when Terri found me at 2 in the morning thumbing through facebook messages and watching a rerun of Friends on TV, and she took the time out of her busy tasks to sit and hold my hand for a minute. It is still those memories that remind me that Kaitlyn lived. Her life meant something. Her life impacted every nurse that had the chance to meet her or even just cared for us. 

         One of the biggest questions they asked is what they could do for the dads. Alex had given me a little feedback about what could have been improved at the hospital we delivered at, but it wasn't really the kind of thing they were asking about (I still shared it, but it just wasn't what they were looking for when they asked the question). I told them about Alex calling 20 funeral homes by himself the afternoon Kaitlyn died because I checked out. I told them that men's grief is so incredibly different from women's in this instant because they'll never know what it feels like to carry a child. But at the same time, their grief should be recognized and acknowledged by all the staff. I told them to be sure to look the dads in the eye and ask if there is anything they can do to help. Sometimes just asking can be the thing that makes the biggest impact. 

          There is one particular phrase that all of the hope moms I have ever come in contact with have learned to hate: fetal demise. Its the clinical, medical, sterile term for a stillbirth. Sometimes even now, J will use that term and I have to correct her. Because fetal demise sounds like it wasn't a child. Fetal demise sounds much more acceptable than "my baby died." Fetal demise removes all of the emotion from the situation. 

           Elyse told me the story of how she had to switch OBs between her pregnancies since the physician that delivered Emma Kate retired. She said that as she sat in the office with the new doctor, that phrase, "fetal demise" kept coming out of her mouth. Finally, Elyse stopped her and said, "My daughter's name was Emma Kate." Elyse is so brave and full of grace to have responded like that, because for me I would have just slammed the door as I left the office, never to return.