There was a period of a few months where I stopped writing. We knew we were pregnant, and I knew I wanted to write about it as it happened, but I also wasn't ready for the world to know.
Actually, I wasn't ready for Audra to know.
In February, we had gone and stayed the night with Chris and Audra at their house, and the boys had signed up to run a 10k in downtown Fort Worth. Chris and Audra live on the south side of downtown, so we didn't get there until about 8:00 Friday night.
We sat around and chatted for a bit about nothing, and finally decided to start winding down for the night. As we each got quiet, Chris started with a big sigh.
"Well, we... uh... We had some unexpected news yesterday."
And with that, I knew. I snapped my head around to where Audra was sitting next to me on the couch and probably deafened her as I asked, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?!"
She nodded hesitantly, and I pounced on her.
I wrapped my arms around her neck super tight and just cried happy tears as I kept saying, "I'm so happy for you! I'm so so happy for you!"
And I was.
Of all the people in this world that have a hard time getting pregnant, I will never understand why God chose Chris and Audra to carry that burden. Audra has loved each of her nieces and nephews as her own, and for as long as I have known her she has wanted to have kids of her own. I was genuinely thrilled for her and Chris, and so was Alex. We both wanted the best for them, and I had even thought when we had first lost Kaitlyn that maybe God would bless both of us and we would get to have a pregnancy together. We talked about how far along she was (she had just tested positive that week, but we figured she was around 7-8 weeks along), and talked about all the fears she had. It was the first time she had ever been pregnant, and I kept reassuring her that everything was going to be fine. Everything was going to be just fine.
It was the following Monday when she texted me. She had some spotting and wasn't sure what was going on, so had called the doctor's office.
Later that week, Audra miscarried.
Even now, I can't help but be devastated for her. Of course, she handled it with grace and hope, but I could imagine how disappointed she was. To have a glimpse of a positive only for it to be gone in a blink of an eye.
I know that in my early stages of grief, I said some things about miscarriages that I wish now that I could take back. Are stillbirths and miscarriages different? Absolutely. Is the grief of losing a child and all the hopes that you had for them universal? I think so. No matter the time frame, whether its a week or 8 months, the places we let our minds go as women, planning out the nursery, waiting to see what their personality will be like, thinking about the theme of the baby showers. We nurture our children no matter the number of weeks we are pregnant, and to lose that so quickly after gaining it.
I ache for her. I know that she and Chris are more than ready to be parents, and I know one day that they will be.
But for now, they are in the period of wait. I've been there, for a short period of time, and know a sliver of how difficult it can be to put every ounce of your being into trusting that God's timing is perfect. How hard it can be to see others get pregnant easily, and even harder to see those that didn't plan or want children be granted them so quickly.
I would never assume to know Audra's grief over their loss, just as she would never assume to know ours. But I know that she has her faith planted firmly in the word of God and that never returns void.
"Delight in the Lord, and He will give you
the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4
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