That evening, one of my friends from college had invited us to a couple's baby shower. Liz (not this Liz, but another one), is pregnant and due in June. She's having a little girl.
She had been kind enough to invite me to her women's-only-traditional baby shower, but I just couldn't do it. I decided immediately when I opened the card that I wouldn't be able to go because she's having a little girl: which means a lot of pink, and a lot of really cute outfits. And as much as I love my friend, I was worried that I would break down and start crying like I did at Christmas while I watched her tear the paper off of her gifts.
So, when Liz's friend had texted me to invite us to the couple's baby shower, I immediately jumped on it. That was a safe zone: I could have Alex with me and we could leave if I needed to and I wouldn't feel embarrassed.
After we met Chris and Audra for lunch, we needed to go pick up something for Liz for the shower. We decided to go to Buy Buy Baby, which is where we had registered for Kaitlyn. I know I probably should have seen it coming, but the store is so convenient to the house and after driving a little distance away for lunch I was looking for convenience.
When we entered the store, they had tons of onsies for Mother's Day there to greet you before you even made it into the actual store. That took a minute for me to force myself to look away because they were just so dang cute.
We b-lined it to the back of the store where some of the essentials like diapers and such were, and that's when I saw the baby bouncer that we had for Kaitlyn sitting on the shelf as a display.
It nearly took my breath away, and I felt the wave of grief coming on strong. I snuck into an isle of the store and took deep breaths, really not wanting to cry but knowing it was coming anyways.
Alex and I put that bouncer together the day before Kaitlyn arrived. Alex had wanted to register for the best bouncer that we could find, so this one did all kinds of rocking motions and played music, and even had a port where you could plug in your iPhone to play your own music. We had sat in the living room together with my Mom and put it together while we were waiting on the time to come for us to go to the pre-op appointment. It was before Nell asked me if I had an active baby. It was before I knew that Kaitlyn wasn't going to come home.
The strangest thing about seeing that bouncer was the joy it brought back. It was almost if for the last 6 months I had been walking in this fog of grief and I hadn't remembered how excited I was for Kaitlyn to get here. I loved her, absolutely, no question about that. But the excitement of getting everything ready- it was that flood of emotion that I wasn't expecting at all.
Alex had stopped beside me to see what was wrong and if we were done yet (men...) when he noticed that I was trying not to cry. He pulled me into a hug and just let me cry for a minute like he did in those early stages of grief.
I finally pulled it together enough to make our way to the check-out, but in the car on the way home I got a reaction that I wasn't quite expecting.
Me: Phew that was rough. That was harder than I expected.
Alex: Why?
Me: Because that was the bouncer we'd picked out for Kaitlyn.
Alex: ... Yes?
Me: It just reminded me of K and made me miss her really badly
Alex: Sometimes it just feels like you are letting that sadness take over the joy of this baby.
I didn't really know what to say, but I know I told him he was wrong. It's just a weird feeling to have one of your kids, who you planned for and loved and anticipated, gone before they ever got started. And as much as I am joyous about this pregnancy, I couldn't look at some of the things in that store without thinking of Kaitlyn.
And I know that's okay. This is just one of those examples of how Alex and I differ in our grief. Alex has always been able (and told to) compartmentalize areas of his life: the things he saw in Iraq and Afghanistan pretty much stayed there. He rarely opens up the various compartments of his life to where they overflow, but for me they all melt and flow together.
Yes, I am thrilled to be pregnant again. No, this baby will never replace Kaitlyn. Yes, I will celebrate this child because he/she is still my flesh and blood; a miracle and a blessing. No, I probably won't be completely fine even when this child gets here safely.
There will always be a part of my heart that mourns for Kaitlyn, my firstborn. But even in the very beginning of my grief, I decided that I would not let her death define me. I knew from that first week that she would never have wanted it that way, and would want me to love our future children as recklessly as I love her. But at the same time, there will always be that hole in my heart where she belongs.
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