Never ending mercy

11.9.13

      Saturday had come around again, and I could tell that it was going to be a rough day. Its almost like when you know a cold is coming- you just feel down and blue and can't really shake the feeling of being "off". 

      I had made a lot of progress that week, but I was also getting overwhelmed when I thought about going back to work. I worried about what people would say, or not say, or that they wouldn't be able to treat me normally. I know everyone loved me and just wanted to be happy for us, but even the well intentioned questions scared me to think about having to answer. 

      Something triggered me that afternoon and I came home and just cried over Kaitlyn's urn. I hugged on her Jenny bunny and allowed myself a moment to just be sad. I hadn't opened her memory box from the hospital in a while, and for some reason I decided to open it that afternoon. There were the four little papers with her footprints and locks of hair with a sweet poem. I rubbed on her hair and thought about how much I missed feeling her head on my arm. I saw the headband that she wore for her pictures, which is sealed tight in a ziplock bag (even though I'm not really sure why, she never smelled like a baby should). She was also given a newborn beanie that was pink and blue to be unisex for all the babies that would get to go home.

     And then I saw the little New Testament Bible that one of the chaplains had given us. I remember that the chaplain had originally misspelled Kaitlyn's name (I can't remember how she spelled it), and one of my very protective family members went and made them give us a new one with the correct spelling in it. 

     I've seen these little Bibles all over the place throughout my life, but for some reason I never noticed that they have the Gideon symbol on it. 

      This was the first time I had noticed this, and I just started laughing. God is so incredibly awesome to allow me to "forget" little details, and reveal them in His perfect timing to bring me comfort. Here I was, mourning over my daughter, and God had shown me that He was still remembering my pain. I shouldn't have been in the Gideon study at church in any way- if Kaitlyn had been with us, I would never have had the time or energy to go to it. If I had made the decision to not do the study (who on earth would say anything?) because I was too overwhelmed with grief, I would never have heard the last message of that study where Priscilla talks about the history of the Gideons and how we are strengthened in our weaknesses. 

      I felt courageous. I wanted to go in the nursery and start packing up the little red box I had gotten for Kaitlyn's things. I knew that God's plan was going to play out and I would look back at this moment and again be reminded of His mercy in this moment. 

      Jenny had gotten Kailtyn a couple of headbands when we first did our gender reveal, and one of them was just so vintage and it was absolutely something Kaitlyn would have worn and loved. That went in the box.

One of her Jenny headbands

       I looked over at the bookshelf and had a sudden realization:

       Jenny had thrown us a baby shower in July, and she had asked that everyone who attend bring a book instead of a card and sign it. When she was making out the invitations, she had Kaitlyn's name on them and was going to have everyone write a note to Kaitlyn in the books. I told her that I wanted to keep K's name a secret (even though our close friends and family already knew it), and she changed the invitation to read, "Help us stock Baby Munoz's library...Instead of a card, please bring a children's book with a note inside to Baby Munoz from you!" Oh sweet mercy of God. I love to read, and I knew Kaitlyn would love to read. Because of God's grace, all these wonderful books that our friends had given to us would not be a source of pain for the future. Our books were going to be able to be used for our next kiddo, and we wouldn't have to address the question of "who's Kailtyn?" when they were barely old enough to read a book. 

      Of course, there are a couple of books from our friends that are made out to her. Jenny had mailed Alex's favorite book from growing up to him in Afghanistan for him to sign and mail back to her for the shower. He wrote the most tender note I have ever read, and of course at the shower as soon as I started reading a note from my husband to his daughter I fell apart. It was beautiful. 

      That day, I found another book that had a note in it to Kaitlyn. It was from Jenny. She had given us the book "Where the wild things are," and she had written such an intimate note to Kaitlyn saying how much she loved the book when she was little and how her mom had teased her about being a "wild thing". She wrote to Kailtyn as her own, and finished the note with, "I hope you have days of adventure and rule the land of wild things at least once, well just once! Be the person you are made to be and love with your entire heart!" 

       Oh exquisite pain. I love my friend for loving our daughter with her whole heart, and for writing such a beautiful note for her. I cried over that note, and over the book it was written in as I mourned for my daughter. But I also see the absolute, undoubtable mercy in that not every book in our nursery has such tender notes written specifically to Kaitlyn in them.