That Saturday, we had a dinner party to celebrate our newest addition. We had invited all of our friends from the area: people from the hospitals I worked at, some local Hope Mommies, and some of our couple friends from church.
It wasn't until Monday that it hit: fear. Almost crippling fear.
Maybe I had focused so much on Kaitlyn's birthday and just getting through that important day that I didn't realize that I was scared to death of the birth that was looming ahead. Dr. B had recommended a second c-section because I had a vertical tear off of my incision from where she pulled Kaitlyn out, and we had scheduled it for Halloween morning. I had tried to make light of it, saying that I wanted to dress up for Halloween which would include me painting my stomach like a pumpkin. I even considered writing "cut here" across my scar to make the nurses laugh.
But after we got through Kaitlyn's birthday, everything became real. That Sunday night, I had a near panic attack while I was sitting on the couch. The thing to do starting after about 28 weeks is to start monitoring the baby's movement by doing kick-counts. Basically, you sit very still and count how long it takes the baby to move 10 times and if it takes more than about 40 minutes you have reason for concern. Our little one was so active that I always tended to hit the 10 count mark at about 5 minutes. On a bad day, it was 10 minutes.
Sunday night, after a long day where I had been preoccupied, it took 20 minutes. I panicked. Completely panicked. Was that a significant change? Enough to warrant a trip to the ER for a sonogram?? How was I suppose to know what to do?
I panicked to Alex and he told me to breathe. We reviewed the different protocols for kick counts (one includes where you re-start the 40 minute timer to make sure it wasn't a fluke), and ultimately he told me to go take a bath and try to relax a little. Thankfully, when I got in the bathtub and relaxed our normal 5 minute kick count happened. I still had a hard time sleeping that night, even though I tried to reassure myself that everything was fine and that they baby's movement hadn't slowed down or stopped.
During August, I had participated in a book study at church called Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtik. The book talked about spiritual warfare in the form of negative "chatter" heard in our heads. One of the exercises we did at the very beginning of the class was to take notecards and write lies on one side and Biblical truths on the other. My cards looked like this:
Lie 1: What you are doing is worthless
Truths 1: 1 Corinthians 9:24 "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? Run so that you may obtain it."
Galatians 6:9 "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up."
Lie 2: You will never be good enough
Truth 2: Luke 12:7 "Why, even the hairs of your head are numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Lie 3: This (loosing Kaitlyn) will happen again
Truth 3: Hebrews 10:23 "Let's hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, because the One who made the promises is reliable."
That Monday when fear hit me, I decided to that I needed more notecards. I asked one of the other Hope moms that had also lost a full term baby and had gone on to have a healthy child to send me her list of verses that helped her cope during the last month of pregnancy.
"I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions,
and all over the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you."
Luke 10:19
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fears.
For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears
has not been perfected in love."
1 John 4:18
"I sought the Lord, and He answers me and delivers me
from all my fears."
Psalm 34:4
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them,
for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.
He will not leave you or forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life...
Look at the birds of the air; they neither sew nor reap nor gather into barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more valuable than they?
And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his lifespan?"
Matthew 6:25-34
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as
the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled
and do not be afraid."
John 14:27
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east and
gather you from the west."
Isaiah 43:5
"But now, this is what the Lord says- He who created you, Jacob [Amy],
He who formed you, Israel: 'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine."
Isaiah 43:1
If the last verse sounds familiar, its because it comes from the same book in the Bible that we picked Kaitlyn's verse out of:
"Look at the sky and consider:
Who created these?
The one who brings out their attendants one by one,
summoning each of them by name.
Because of His might and power,
not one is missing."
Isaiah 40:26
I tucked these notecards in my work bag and anytime I started to feel the creep of fear coming into my mind I would pull them out and read through them. It didn't matter to me if I stopped in the parking lot of where I was headed or if I needed to pause in the hallway on the way back to the lab. I stopped dead in my tracks and read the promises of God. Honestly, I don't think anything else this world has to offer would have combatted that fear as well as scripture.
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