The suspense

9.14.14-9.15.14

     The next few days were unbearable. I could see the train coming and there was literally nothing I could do about it but dread its arrival.
      I had decided a long time ago that I wouldn't be working on Kaitlyn's birthday for a few years (at least). Since it fell on a Thursday this year, I knew I would want off the day before because I would be anticipating the day and then it seemed silly to take off Wednesday and Thursday without taking Friday off, so I took that off too.
      On Monday, I went to work at one of my accounts and told them that I would be out the second half of the week.
       "Oh that's nice! I hope you have something fun planned!" said one person.
       Not exactly, and I didn't bother correcting them to tell them why I was off in the first place.

       Monday night, Elyse had planned our monthly Hope Mommies dinner in Richardson and I was glad to have the distraction to go. There were 10 girls that showed up that night, and 4 of them were new to the group.
        We usually start off with going around the table and telling our stories. Its such a great way for us to honor our babies and talk about them, but to also remind each other that we know there is hope for us to see them again.
         As we wait for people to arrive, we tell shortened, clipped versions of our stories. As I mentioned Kaitlyn's name, one of the new mom's stopped me and said, "OH! You're Kaitlyn's mom? I got one of your boxes."
         That was one of the best things anyone could have said to me that week- that I am Kaitlyn's mom. Yes, I am Kaitlyn's mom. And this baby's mom.
 
         I started off by telling Kaitlyn's story. I warned them that I would probably cry telling it because it was so close to our one year anniversary, but as I let the familiar words pour out of my mouth it just became storytelling again. Sometimes, I feel like the whole experience was just a dream and none of it really happened. I only stopped once as my voice caught in my throat, but then I continued to tell the story as I always had.
         We went around the table and I soon discovered that Elyse and I were the "senior" Hope Moms at this dinner. We were both approaching our one year anniversary, and everyone else was less than a year from their loss. Some of the moms were as recent as 6 weeks.

         After we finished dinner, I was thankful that I had met this group of ladies and we had committed to meeting together once a month. I was glad for the excuse to get out of the house, and I was glad that I was able to share Kaitlyn's story again with women who understood so well the pain of that loss.
          I was glad that I was surrounded by four women that night who had all received Hope Boxes that I had either shipped to them or left at hospitals. I was thankful that at the beginning of the hardest week this year, God had used them to remind me that there was still purpose to be seen.