Pregnancy after Loss

4.9.14

      Pregnancy after loss is hard.

      After 6 months of grieving, I finally took down the letters that were in Kaitlyn's nursery, spelling out her name on the wall.

        I carefully placed each of the letters in the red box that had all of the "Kaitlyn only" things in it- her memory box, leaving the K at the very top. 

        Every day, I miss my daughter. Not to the point that I can't function, but there is always this dull ache that wants to hold my baby. I want to feel the weight of her and feel her breathing. I want to hear her cry. 

        Alex told me I should go babysit one of my friend's kids, but its not the same. I want the brown-headed child that Alex and I made together, who was destined to change the world (she already has, really), and who was as stubborn as her momma. 

        Its such a weird sensation to be waiting again: I feel like there have always been these massive count-downs for me: count-down to Alex coming home, count-down to delivery, count-down to trying again. And now, count-down to getting to hold a screaming child. 

        People ask me what I'm hoping for (meaning the gender of this child): I want a loud birth. I want this kid to come out screaming at the top of his/her lungs. I want everyone in the room to clap when that happens. I don't want the heavy silence of our last birth as everyone waited for the doctor to sew me up so I could finally hold her. 

        I want the messes, and the late night sleeplessness. I want the joy of feeling a little hand grip mine so tightly before he or she falls asleep. I want the chaos that surrounds new life, and the quiet of our child sleeping on Alex's chest as he tries not to fall asleep.

  

        I want the same things I wanted a year ago, but this time is so different. This time, Alex is home. There isn't the absence of him that makes me more in-tune with the personality of the life we created. Instead, there is a business as we both try to hurry time along until November. I spend the days at work and then try to do things around the house (which I am not the best at), he works and goes to the gym. Neither of us say it, but we are both so incredibly ready for this child to get here. We are ready for the life we started planning two years ago, and we are ready for the joy that will come with restoration of that dream. 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and

 He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:4