Not Telling

    The next few weeks were honestly a blur of waiting and going through all of the emotions I felt with being pregnant again in the same time frame that we were pregnant with Kaitlyn. Their due days were actually only about 6 weeks apart.
    When we got pregnant with Kaitlyn, I'm fairly sure my entire workforce knew within about 48 hours. We were excited, and because of the nature of my job I have to work around a lot of radiation so when I started hiding behind walls and people, the nurses I see on a daily basis figured it out (it's not that hard).
     This time was different. As excited as I was to be pregnant, I didn't feel ready to let everyone else know yet. There were a few people that I trusted to pray for us, so I told them, but in general it would be another couple of weeks before the majority of people at work would know. I justified my feelings by saying to myself that I was already anxious enough, and I didn't want to be around people that would (in a good way) be anxious for us because it would then just make me even more anxious. So I stayed quiet and didn't say anything for a while.
      I had called my OB's office (she got married, so her name is now Dr. B instead of Dr. L), and they had wanted me to wait until week 9 to come in. This is the same amount of time they wanted me to wait with Kaitlyn, so I wasn't shocked but I was a little disappointed that they wouldn't see me earlier just to put my mind at ease. They offered for me to come in and do bloodwork, but I didn't really see the benefit in that.
     So I waited. One day, one of the guys I work with asked me when I was going to the doctor because I had told him that we were expecting again, and I let him know it would be in a few weeks.
     "Are you going back to the same OB?" he asked quietly.
     "Yes."
     "I can't believe you're doing that. I'm so mad at her," he said under his breath. I was really kind of surprised by his reaction.
     "Why are you mad at her?"
     "Because she knew Kaitlyn's cord was around her neck. She should have taken her that day. Its not okay that she knew her cord was there and she didn't do anything about it," he said quickly.
     "Thomas, you can't be mad. First off, babies are born every day with cords around their neck. My cousin had her baby girl last year without a c-section and Brenna had her cord around her neck FOUR times, and she was just fine!" I tried to comfort him.
      "Really?" he said, not really believing me.
      "Yeah, they made my cousin stop pushing so they could unloop her cord from around her neck and they counted. The doctors can't tell if a cord around the neck is going to cause something completely tragic to happen. In fact, I remember that Dr. B told me that she had another patient just the week before with a baby sitting breech and the cord around the neck and everything was fine."
      "Well... Okay. I guess that makes me feel better," he agreed reluctantly.

       It was these kinds of conversations I dread (still), just because it is a rehash of everything that could have gone differently. Yes, Dr B could have taken Kaitlyn early, and maybe saved her, but we don't know that. There are moms that I have listened to tell their stories and sometimes their losses are within hours of seeing a normal heartbeat on the sonogram screen. Its that acceptance that this is what God planned for their lives and ours. Its trusting that we are truly not in control, but that He is.

"We know that God works all things together for good for the ones

who love God, for those who are called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28