On Monday afternoon, I had another appointment with Kate. I was had been battling with a couple of things over the last few weeks, one of which was that I was starting to feel a dream-like state when it came to remembering Kaitlyn. There are mornings that I wake up and I feel like the whole thing was a dream: the pregnancy, the death, the delivery, all of the people who came out to see us and give their condolences. The other thing I have been struggling with is that I can't seem to find the right balance for my life. I am very much a type-A personality, and when I go back to work that side of me (the controlling side) tends to kick right back in and I expect nothing less than my absolute best at all times. But then when I'm at home and able to write, or spend time with my worship music blaring in the living room, I am completely okay with being broken and slowly productive. What I mean by that is that sometimes you can be doing absolutely nothing but sitting in your stretchy pants listening to music and be incredibly productive in your grief. You can learn to slow down to a snails pace and still be able to process a week's worth of emotions in about an hour.
After doing a case at work, I went over to Kate's office and plopped myself on the couch. Some days, I sit with my legs crossed politely as I talk and cry over all the work God has done in me for the last week. Other times, I kick my shoes off and sit indian style. That day I kicked my shoes off.
First things first: I asked the question that I already knew the answer to since we Kate was so much further along in her grief and an expert at having the right words to say.
"Did you turn in your application to Treasure You?" I asked.
"Crap! I totally forgot!" she said immediately. "When is it due?"
"Today at 5."
"How intense is the application?" she asked, a little flustered that she hadn't remembered.
"Its not bad, but you have to have two letters of recommendation and it says on the website that they won't process incomplete applications."
What happened in the next 90 seconds is one of those moments that I really hope to replicate in my own life as I continue to grow in Christ. I watched Kate run through a lot of emotions in her head and then come to the conclusion.
"Well, that wasn't meant for me, then. Because if it was, God would have kept it right in front of me since the last time we talked," she illustrated God keeping it in her thoughts by holding her hand up, palm about 3 inches away from her nose. What Kate just went through in those few seconds was such an example to me of living in God's will. Recognizing that if God wants you to do something, He will make sure you do it.
And sometimes He lets us have doubts. I had spent the last two weeks coming dangerously close to letting myself get talked out of submitting that application. But everytime I did, there was this echo in my heart of just being blindly obedient to what He had told me, "This is important."
"Okay then. It was meant for me, I guess. Because it was going to be one of us. And if its not you, its me." I said quietly. I knew then that I would get a call later that week to come be honored at the Treasure You event.
We continued our session and talked about the dreamlike state. Kate said she could absolutely relate and that there were still days that she looked back on Piper's short life an felt the exact same way as I was feeling now. We talked about the balancing act of my split personality.
"How do you balance those two people? How do I integrate those two pieces of who I am into one person? How do I take what I've learned in my personal life and my growth in Christ and be that person 100% of the time instead of just when I'm at home?" I rapid-fired the questions, hoping that she would have the answers.
"Whew sister! Be careful asking those kinds of loaded questions! God will hear you, and you better buckle your seatbelt because He's about to show you some things." was her reply. A total non-answer for my questions, but instead a pointer finger shot straight up to heaven to show who had the answers to all my seeking.
As we drew our session to a close.
"God's going to do some crazy things this week." I said. "I just feel it."
"You've been asking the right questions... Just buckle up and get ready for the ride." She said, standing to give me a bear hug like she always does when we finish up for the day.
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